Dance Monkey Dance

Bye Bye Blogger

2007-05-21T14:07:00.000+01:00

Hello world!

Just to let you know that I am working on a new site and as a result I have moved to

www.shockingfish.wordpress.com

Check out the new zone and change any links that you may have.

Word

SF xxx

Questions - et al....

2007-05-01T19:14:00.000+01:00

Questions from Wondy Woman

1. If you weren't doing the job you are doing now - what would you like to be doing?

I would love to be doing something that makes the world a better place – charity work, environmentally friendly company who sells vegan stuff, you get the idea. I would also love to be a paleontologist, it’s what I was planning to become when I was at uni – but the cost of doing a PHd ment that it was out of my league (it would have cost me a little over 15K a year – and that’s without the rent and food to think of!) I just wanted to do it so I could become Prof. Paul Maxwell – how cool is that!

2. Name 8 people (can be alive or dead celebrities - or 'real' people) you would invite to your fantasy dinner party. Say why you have chosen these individuals.

I have to be honest, celebs do nothing for me – I think the only person who I would want to have dinner with who could be classed as a celeb would be Sir David Attenborough, as he is the coolest person in the world. So thats 1, then there would be Juliet Gellatley (she is the only hero I have – after members of my own family that is) she set up and founded Viva! And I have been lucky enough to have the privilege of working with her. 2 down 6 more to go – Richard Dawkins (‘cos he’s a God Botherer Botherer), Peter Tatchel – the most active human rights activist around at the moment. Emily Pankhurst – I like her style. Steve Biko – for being a true hero to the anti apartide movement in South Africa and for believing in non violence as the way forward. I am going to have to put Monkey in there as well. I think I am also going to have to add the wonderful WondyWoman as well!

3. If you could give it all up tomorrow and go around the world, where would you visit and why?

It would have to be all the places that may not make it, the coral reefs, polar ice caps, and South East Asian rainforests. All the places that in 50 years time may not be here because of us!

4. What do you look for in the perfect partner, and do you think you have found that?

He’s not perfect – but I think that if he was perfect I would have dumped him by now! Monkey makes me laugh, keeps me warm at night and irritates the fuck out of me as well. All you could ever want in a relationship!

5. What, in your opinion, is the meaning of life?

42

Here are the rules, if you’d like to participate:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”
I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Don't forget to post the rules!

darn - Ive been hit

2007-03-16T17:57:00.001Z

Darn – Have been tagged from the Delite-ful Wondy Woman. This is what I have to do!

1) Go to Wikipedia
2) In the search box, type your birth month and day but not the year
3) List three events that happened on your birthday
4) List two important birthdays and one death
5) One holiday or observance (if any)
6) Tag 5 other bloggers to complete

Here goes...

Events:
1969 - Apollo Program: Apollo 11 lands on the Moon.
2001 - The London Stock Exchange goes public.
2003 - Richard Sambrook, the Director of BBC News, reveals that David Kelly was the source of claims that Downing Street had "sexed up" the "Dodgy Dossier".

Births:
356 BC - Alexander the Great, Macedonian king and military leader (d. 323 BC)
1938 - Dame Diana Rigg, British actress (wow! I always knew that we had a spiritual link somehow)
1943 - Wendy Richard, British actress (even better – could only be topped by Barbara Windsor)

Death:
1973 - Bruce Lee, American actor and martial artist (b. 1940)

Holiday:
International chess day

What is on the telly?

2007-03-12T18:22:00.000Z

I think that I’ve become hooked on skins – the teen e4 show. I know that its meant for people half my age and I could be accused of being some old perv but its really good and reminds me of my youth – loads of sex, drugs and drinking. If you haven’t seen it I would strongly advise you to watch it now!

I have also seen what I feel is a great film “Strangers with Candy” about a 46 year-old ex-junkie, ex-con who returns to high school in a bid to start her life over. It’s puerile and a little naff but it made me laugh – which is very rare for a comedy! I would advise the people of the interweb to go a see it if you can!

Word to ya mom

SF xxx

Look at what you could have won!!

2007-03-02T18:19:00.000Z

Yes - you could win this stuff - well stuff like it just chip in your two penny's worth to the problem below!

Paul Loves Monkey - Monkey loves Final Fantasy 12

2007-03-02T18:10:00.000Z

I have become a gaming widower - final fantasy 12 came out last friday and todate Monkey has spent over 24 hours playing the game...

I would like to say that it is affecting our relationship but it does get him out of my hair and keeps him amused (so its not all bad!) but the only problem is that the bugger then wont let me watch the TV. I am considering the best course of action but until then the status quo shall remain. I would greatly appresiate the help that the interweb people could bring to this situation (and the person who gives the best answer will win a box full of sex toys - unused ones at that)

So stick your beak into someone elses problems and see what you can do to help me and win your self a bucket full O sex toys.

Word out to the world

SF xxx

One of those days

2007-02-22T18:28:00.000Z

Its been one of those days - long and hard - rather like my job (and some of the products that I am working with at the moment!). It all has to do with the fact that I am having to start a new catalogue from scratch - and its a biggie 230 pages and in multipul languages as well. EVIL

A massive word up to the delightful Wondy Woman - who has placed a picture of moi on her blog (sadly I have what appears to be the world's biggest double chin - curse the evil double chin) Thanks for that. But the best thing so far this week was discovering that Habitat's new childrens range has a mirror designed by one of the greatest actresses ever to grace our screens - I am talking of the one and only Miss Piggy. I want one!

With Love to the little people

SF xxx

Im a good girl, I am!

2007-02-06T09:35:00.000Z

Well she has dropped another one - and in a record breaking time of 14 minutes, so today I welcome to the world my new neice Eliza Joanna MaCarthey. Mother and daughter are doing fine - elder sister Evlyn Rose MaCarthey keeps on trying to poke younger sister inthe head with a duplo brick and father is a nervous wreck after having to drive hevally pregnant wife to the hospitail and getting lost on the way.

Welcome

Photos will be up here soon

SF xxx

All work and no play makes paul a dull boy

2007-02-01T18:27:00.000Z

I have to be honnest with you people out on the web - my working life at the moment is starting to get me down a little. I love the people and the job and I know that this sounds a little silly to say but I am not that happy at the moment. I work load is getting to me and I know that I could find a job that pays shit loads more than this one, so why am I still here? The co workers are great (see the image above of the sales team sampling a selection of the "quality?" lingerie that we may sell - the sales manager is the one in the green and the underling who is suckling at the teat of sales is in the rather fetching pink two peice)

I know that I have become stuck in a rut - get up go to work, work, go home eat and go to bed. I think I need to start living a little more - but this ofcourse takes cash and at the moment thats the one thing that I dont have. The Monkey and I are looking to buy a place (looking is the oprative word at the moment as with house prices in Brighton starting at around the 300,000 pound mark - 585,000 US Dollars - for a 2 bed house/flat will we ever have the cash for a place?)

I am also starting to question what I want in life - it has to be said that I do have an idea as to why I am having all these thoughts at the moment - in less than 6 months time I turn the ripe old age of 30 - monkey has already started to point it out with relish at my impending landmark age turning. *curse him and his 3 years younger than me age*

On a rather better note if any UK based people are reading this - if you would like to become a product tester (if you have no idea what type of products I sell just read a few of the post prior to this) then let me know - of course you have to be over the age of 18 and live in the UK - the email to contact is paul(the "at" sign)apollosales.co.uk

RELIGIOUS ACTIVISTS SEEK TO REPEAT BA VICTORY WITH GAY RIGHTS LAW

2006-12-01T17:51:00.000Z

Religious groups from the fringes to the mainstream have united this week to launch a ferocious attack on a new law aimed at protecting homosexuals from discrimination.

Buoyed by their success in forcing British Airways to change its uniform regulations to suit the demands of one Christian activist, the new Religious Right is now gunning for the Sexual Orientation (Goods and Services) Regulations, the government promised to introduce in October, but then put off until next April following intense lobbying from religious organisations.

Draft Regulations have however just been tabled for Northern Ireland, to come into effect on 1 January 2007. They state that “It is unlawful for any person concerned with the provision of goods, facilities or services to the public to discriminate on grounds of sexual orientation against a person who seeks to obtain or use those goods, facilities or services”. If they are replicated for England and Wales, this would grant gay people the same right to goods and services that disabled people enjoy under the Disability Discrimination Act, that ethnic minorities enjoy under the Race Relations Act, and that religious groups enjoy under Section 46 of the Equality Act 2006.

But religious groups are arguing that these Regulations pose a grave threat to their “freedom of conscience”. The Regulations were attacked in a full page advertisement in the Times on Tuesday which was taken out by a group calling itself Coherent and Cohesive Voice", who describe themselves as “a network of hundreds of Christian leaders in the UK representing hundreds of thousands of voters”.

“SEX”, screams the top of the page in huge letters, before announcing that “the Labour Government are going to decide what is and isn’t acceptable, and then they are going to force their views onto you”.

The views that the Labour Government are going to force onto you are listed as follows:

* Force all schools to actively promote homosexual Civil Partnerships to children (from primary school age) to the same degree that they teach the importance of marriage* Force a printing shop run by a Christian to print fliers promoting gay sex
* Force a family run B&B to let out a double room to a transsexual couple, even if the family think it is in the best interests of their children to refuse to allow such a situation in their own home
* Make it illegal for a heterosexual policeman, fireman or member of the Armed Forces, to refuse to join a Gay Pride event promoting the homosexual way of life.

Most of this is completely untrue. Printers won’t be “forced” to print fliers promoting gay sex, or any other kind of sex; they’ll simply no longer be allowed to hang the equivalent of “no gays served” on the door of their shop. Regulation 9 simply prohibits educational establishments from refusing to accept students on grounds of their sexual orientation. And Regulation (7)(2)(a) states that anyone providing accommodation (such as a B&B) is exempt if “the relevant occupier resides, and intends to continue to reside, on the premises”.

The advertisement demanded that the Government insert into the Regulations a “conscience clause” saying “Nothing in these regulations shall force an individual to act against their conscience or strongly held religious beliefs.”

George Broadhead of the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association branded the advertisement, and the accompanying campaign, as “poisonous” saying that the Christian activists were trying to rob gay people of the fundamental right to be treated justly and fairly. He said: “The insertion of this clause would render the protections meaningless. Anyone can claim to have a conscience. Would it be OK for the BNP to disregard these regulations on the grounds that homosexuality offends their conscience?”

This manipulative and deceitful advertisement is only part of the pressure. As with the BA case, the Christians cudgels have now been taken up by the Daily Mail, which is carrying daily propaganda from Christian leaders about the campaign. On Tuesday, the paper led with a huge front-page headline “Don’t Impose Your Morality” in which it quoted the Catholic Archbishop of Birmingham Vincent Nichols (who was instrumental in forcing the Government to back down on its promise to make ‘faith schools’ open up 25% of places to those of other religions or none). Nichols had said in a sermon: “The government must realise that it is not possible to seek co-operation with us while at the same time trying to impose on us conditions which contradict our moral values. It is simply unacceptable to suggest that the resources of faith communities, whether in schools, adoption agencies, welfare programmes, halls or shelters, can work in co-operation with public authorities only if faith communities accept not simply a legal framework but also the moral standards at present being touted by the Government.”

On Wednesday, the Mail carried comments from the Bishop of Rochester, Michael Nazir-Ali, who said that the Church of England’s charities would be “affected” by the rules, which he said would “force” them to give equal treatment to homosexuals. He declared: “It will be the poor and disadvantaged who will be the losers.”

The new laws are meant to prevent discrimination against gays. But the Lawyers’ Christian Fellowship has said they mean priests could be sued for refusing to bless same-sex unions and Catholics say they will close their adoption agencies rather than give children to gay couples.

Then leaders of the increasingly influential black churches added their voices to the protest, saying that pastors and churchgoers will go to jail rather than accept rules that will mean they must open their meeting halls to gay lobby groups. They fail to mention that many of these buildings have been heavily subsidised by the National Lottery.

Pakistani-born Dr Nazir-Ali said: “I welcome warmly what the Roman Catholic Bishop of Birmingham has said about the Sexual Orientation Regulations. In the proposed Regulations there is no clear exemption for religious belief even though it is widely known that several of the faiths in this country will have serious difficulty. Religion affects every area of life and cannot be reduced to just worship.

Pastor Ade Amooba of Christian Voice in Brixton, South London, said: “Homosexuals are set at liberty to enjoy their way of life. Why does the Government want to take away ours? Christianity is our identity. We will not surrender it. People will not obey these rules, no matter that they are taken to court. We will shut down the youth clubs and welfare projects rather than obey these laws. That will have very damaging effects. We will be losing something valuable.”

George Hargreaves of the Hephzibah Christian Centre in Hackney was even more hysterical and ridiculous: “I have already bought my orange jumpsuit, for no doubt prison awaits us as we fight against the tyranny of the Sexual Orientation Regulations. If opposing this law is to be counted as an act of civil disobedience, than in obedience to God we must act in loving and peaceful civil disobedience.”

Final details of the new Regulations as they will apply to England and Wales have yet to be made public because of delays following a Cabinet row. Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, a staunch Catholic, is in charge of pushing the regulations through. There are threats of rebellion in Northern Ireland, which is being used as a test bed for the gay rights Regulations. DUP leader Dr Ian Paisley has protested to Tony Blair amid signs that politically powerful church leaders in the province are preparing to prevent the new laws coming into effect.

Michael Cashman, MEP, an NSS honorary associate (and also a member of the Labour Party’s Executive Committee), commented: “I find it unbelievable and totally unchristian that they want to discriminate on the grounds of someone being gay or lesbian. Any discrimination diminishes the persons who are targeted. The Government must stand firm. Labour has a proud record on equality which must not be sullied by these sordid attempts at ‘blackmail’”.

Keith Porteous Wood of the National Secular Society said: “This doesn’t bode well for the introduction of faith-based welfare in this country. If the providers use threats of closure to blackmail politicians into giving them what they want, then they should never be allowed near service provision in the first place. And it is clear that they want to impose discrimination on services that would otherwise be provided by secular local authorities to everyone, without question. Religious groups are running amok in the light of the BA decision and the faith schools back down. The Government needs to bring them down to earth pretty sharply.”

Meg Munn, the Deputy Minister for Women and Equalities, commented: “There are a number of misconceptions about what these Regulations will cover and what is being considered. For example, no-one is proposing that schools will have to promote homosexuality or that a priest will have to bless same sex couples. But at the same time, the vast majority of the British public would surely agree that is wrong for a gay teenager to be refused emergency accommodation after being thrown out of their family home on the grounds that they had chosen to tell their parents about their sexuality or for lesbian and bisexual people to be denied access to essential healthcare. It is right that there should be a public debate on these complex and difficult issues, but that debate should be conducted in a calm and measured way, rather than through inaccurate and wild speculation.”

Hit me with a black dildo

2006-11-08T19:58:00.000Z

Well it’s finished….

It’s the time of year that brings a warm feeling to my small dark, bitter heart. Yes I have finished the new trade and retail catalogues and price lists. To say that I have been pulling my hair out (if I had any) and working all the hours that are in the day, is a bit of an understatement. But I still got a bollocking for being over 6 weeks late (not my fault – honest) so it’s now over and I can start on the next wave of new products and leaflets that I have to do before the end of this month. Bingo anyone…

I have been a bit of a hermit (monkey has been a real star) and as such have done bugger all – missed the Paramount comedy festival (I wish I had seen Russell Brand but I will have to wait until next year – if he hasn’t been killed by Rod Stewart) which Monkey has held against me ever since.

Berlin was a bit of a disapointment this year which was a real shame no people shoving things up there bums and letting them drop to the floor - dont ask I still have nightmares about it.

I have lived such a dull and sheltered life…

More dull stuff from me soon

SF xxx

The move...

2006-09-14T17:59:00.000+01:00

Well we have moved in and almost got all our sh1t together. All the stuff has been unpacked and sort of put into the cirrect place. But I think I need to tell you a little about the move itself.

We where handed the keys on Friday, but due to lack of a driving licence on my part and Monkey's lack of getting a correct and updated driving licence we had to beg the dear sweet Middle aged man into helping us move in. The loading and getting to the new flat was fine - parking on the other hand was a bastard. The flat is on a one way system with a taxi rank as the bottem of the road. This ment that tring to unload a luton van in the middle of the road was a little difficult.... So we went to Ikea and planned to unload at about 11pm at night.

Monkey loves Ikea - its the first time that the dear sweet northerner has been in the hallowed halls of the scandinavian god of flat pack. We spend money - monkey and middle aged man had ikea meat balls (I had chips) and the all you can drink cola flavoured water that they serve. The amount of things that you end up seeing that you had no idea that you needed until you wonder around Ikea is amazing. The number of bowls and trays and small metal things that I had an urge to buy and clutter our new and rather large home is truly amazing.

I really hate moving - I know that most people do.

More very soon (with pictures and everything)

Off to Germany on monday for a two day work trip to see plastic willies and nipple pumps.

Ribbed for her pleasure

SF xxx

So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehn, good night

2006-08-30T14:14:00.000+01:00

She is the wind beneith my wings
She is making the UK a darker place now that she is moving on
Who is 'she'

She is the one, the only Wondy Woman

The greatest human-being in the word, the person who cured the common cold, ended wars and prevented slimy creatures from outer space taking over.

Good Bye - remember me when you are famous

*wimmper*

(was that ok Christa?)

Hot Monkey Lovin' - Earn $$$ the Shocking Fish Way!

2006-08-29T19:09:00.000+01:00

I do find it hard to belive that only a few short years ago I was winging about how crap my life was - single, poorly paid job, living in Worthing blah blah blah! Well what can I say apart from - BLOODY HELL - I maybe on an upward slope in the whole carer game, although I am well awear that the whole roller coaster nature of life will mean that at some point I will have to have a down point again - though I am hoping it will be when I am 98 and due to my death. The job is fantastic, I even enjoy working over time and love the fact that no one bats an eyelid at the fact that I have a selection of vibrators and butt plugs on my desk (and before you ask no I haven't used any of them...) and can rutenly get away with sending my bosses pictures of naked people and the odd swear word (although its not part of the job, it is fun to do).

Monkey and I (now one is sounding far to much like the queen) will be moving into the new flat in 10 days time - a chichi part of Hove that even have sea views - and not the crane your head out of the window and squint type of view, but a real view of the sea! The flat even has a balconey - I can now live out my dreams of being repunsel (although I may have to grow my back/nassel/toe hair* a little longer as the stuff on my head has all but gone)

There will be a warming in party - although it may be more a 'help unpack and assemble flat pack furniture' affair rather than the typical Ferrero Roche and Blue Nun shindig that most of you are familiar with.

Word out

SF xxx

*delete as applicable

WOW!

2006-07-03T16:00:00.000+01:00

I have just been told that as of the 31st December this year, I am to become the Marketing Director of the company that I work for - I have only been here less than a year and now know what it is like to work for a company that appresiates the effort and work that I put into my job!

What is next for me? Im not even 30 yet!

SF xxx

Attacked by badgers - again

2006-06-15T17:46:00.000+01:00

What can I say - a surpose that a sorry wont do. Yes I know that I keep on saying that I will publish on the site every week and it ends up being more like once in a blue moon; but Ive been busy (The excuse that it was eaten by the dog won't work!). So here I am the last one in the office (or should that be oraface) and still working - maybe because Im a sad git.

So what has been happening in the strange world of Mr Fish - well to start with I and the most noble of northern monkeys have set the date for us moving in together - it shall be the beginging of september - he has already commented that it may well be september of 2008 if I have my way about it. Now Im sure that this has me sounding like I dont want to move in with him - nothing could be further from the truth (but then again what is truth?) it has more to do with the fact that we need to save at least 2 months worth of rent before we move in - and even then we still have things like a sofa. fridge, plasma tv and chocolate fondu set to buy before I will be willing to co-habit with the hairy one. So far I have a grand total of 500 quid - which in dollars is about 825 - no were near enough - we need at least 2500 (to include deposit, first months rent, agency fees etc...) which at the rate of saving should only take 4 months - notice how his nibs is saying that he cant save as much as me - poppy cock that what I say.

So where to live - well there are so many places to chose from like the north lanes or the north lanes or the lanes in the north. See this is another small problem Monkey likes hove and I like the north lanes (and as the majority bread winner I should have the right to sulk until we do what I want - that how grown ups do it!). I have to be close to a staion - and seeing as I plan to move jobs soon (current work is great but I am at the top of the tree and very unlikly to get a pay rise in january - and for all the extra hours that I am doing is it worth it?) London beccons me and the prospect of earning over 50K a year is too great not to pass up - think of all the people who would suck up to me more!

Monkey has become hooked on DVD box sets - we have all 8 released seasons of the simpsons, 3 of the 7 seasons of Star Trek The Next Generation, and 1 of Murder She Wrote (he is convinced that Jessica Fletture is the one who murders every one and then blames it on other people! He has a point, I would never invite her to a party - well... maybe... but only if Monkey get on my nerves.)

I am having to man a stall at a swingers weekend tomorow (for more information see www.festivalofbliss.com ) the thought of sweaty, naked, middleaged, hairy, flabby people shouldn't be a turn on - and Im glad to say that after going yesterday and having to watch some poor woman being touched in a "Groping Booth" it isn't (although if I stay there too long will I develope Stockholm Syndrome and start empathising with my "captures". I shall try a write something next week - although I may be in a state of shock and be unable to form cohesive sentences (nothing new there then?).

Its now only a few weeks until I turn 29 - Im sure there is a best before date on me some where - although knowing my luck it would have been some point back in the mid 90's. So have I managed to sort my life out - start a pension, get a morgage and all the other things that you are surposed to have do by now - ? - Have I fuck! I currently haven't even thought about a pention and the least that can be said about a morgage the better! So I now aim to have thought about those things before I turn 50! As my mother always says "Put off today what you can do in a few years time!"

More when I can be arsed

SF

xxx

PS - the wonderful Disco a go go is in town - horray!

Late again.

2006-04-04T18:31:00.000+01:00

OK so I know that its been almost 3 months without me posting a darn thing on this blog but I've been a busy boy. Work has gone from being interesting to being bloody knackering. So I am getting more money and more responcabilities but does that make me happy - well to be honnest YES, yes it does. I can now add more project management skills to my CV and a few new tecknical skills as well. There is a down side - I have no social life - not that I had one before this job you under stand but I have even less chance of getting one now that I did before. I would love to say that I do things at the weekend but I always feel too uninspired to do anything fun and exciting (oh and monkey is no help, he just sits and says unhelpful things like "why dont we do a day trip to Dorset" I have to explain to him that its going to take 3 and a half hours to get there and the same to get back and that would leave us with only 2 hours to do anything? I think he lives in cloud cookcoo land).

Monkey and I have been together for almost a year now and this has to be the longest (and at times strangest) relationship that Ive been in. He has made me realise that I do have the ability to love someone as much as I love Cake (Mmmm Cake - we are talking pastries here and not drugs). He also makes me realise that Im glad that Im not the youngest member of my family - he has been spoilt - he will denie it but its true. He makes me laugh and thats no mean feat. I love the fact that I cant argue with him with out giving in (not all the time but most of the time), he gets his way nearly all the time.

Its wonderful to be in love. We are also looking for places in Brighton and Hove (I anted to remain in Worthing - more flat for less rent - but Monkey feels that Worthing is full of the Living Dead; well he does have a point). So we have to look in over priced Brighton and Hove - He wants Hove and I want North laines (If you have no idea what the North Laines are try googleing it - full of great shops and funky bars and restrants - but fucking expensive). I may have to sell my body to pay for the flat (ha ha ha like I would get any cash for this body!)

More news - this site will be changing, but at my current rate it will be 2007 before the replacement site is up and running - www.shocking-fish.com and www.shocking-fish.co.uk will be the sites (nothing there at the moment). I will have more stuff than just the bloggs - not sure what will be in there but there will be interesting stuff (read that as being either crap or nicked from other sites!).

Well what else can I say - not a huge amount but then again I am a lazy git

fun to the mushroom people

SF xxx

fresh and fit for 2006

2006-01-18T16:21:00.001Z

It’s been a long time since I last posted – sorry!. There are a number of reasons as to why this has happened, these are:

1 – My new job within my current employer is a lot more work than I had originally expected. I had to do my own marketing budget (and through manipulation of some key facts and figures I am now 310 under budget – which makes me look good)

2 – I have been helping the old lady with her plans to move away from god waiting room and start a new life in fleet (possibly the new god’s waiting room). We have picked out a new kitchen, bathroom and carpets for most of the house, and as to date the kitchen and bathroom have been done.

3 – Monkey – need I say more.

4 – I am a lazy person who finds it difficult to focus on anything for any length of time.

I will aim to post next week and keep you up to date on the roller coaster that is my life – well its more a tea cup ride (or at best a kiddies roundabout)

Love to you all and will post more soon

SF xxx

Tis the season blah blah blah

2005-12-09T10:33:00.000Z

Well it’s been a very interesting time – I have some huge news, as of the 1st January 2006 I will no longer be the Marketing Executive for Apollo Wholesale. I have been promoted to Marketing Manager (gasp!) yes it’s true I am now senior management at my work! It also comes with a 7k pay increase (which is so cool!). So I will now be doing even more work and getting more stressed but it’s going to be worth it.

I am also happy to report that I have beaten my own expectations of my blogging prowess and made it past the One Year mark. There will be a celebration at a bar near you soon.

Christmas is here – Maria Cary’s All I want for Christmas is you has been heard blasting out of many a store front and I have even brought an advert calendar in the shape of a 3D Christmas tree to boost my festive cheer as well (Although I’ve almost run out of cash and still have loads of peoples gifts to get – why do I have the feeling that I might have to steal stuff from work and wrap it up – weather my grandmother would want a 2ft black dildo I have no idea.)

As always I will not be giving Christmas cards out, I will be donating money to this charity this year (see more details at http://www.pledgebank.com/kenyanorphans) which I feel is a better deal then sending out cards that no one ever wants or uses.

See more information about having a cruelty free Christmas see http://www.viva.org.uk/christmas/index.html

Love to your mom

SF xxx

The question we all wanted answered

2005-11-30T16:31:00.000Z

During my stay at Berlin we encountered a question that has vexed man for years

The question was this – How Big Is Too Big?

The answer is maybe its too big!

Yes it’s a giant black dildo that is being lovingly modeled by my manager – its over 2 ft high and the same with as most men’s thighs. If you want to know the woman in the video managed to get most of it in her! She must have had a fanny like a very large bucket!

More posts soon…

Berlin (or watching a man shove balls up his arse)

2005-11-25T10:10:00.000Z

Well it’s been a long time coming but its here at last the latest installment from Shocking Fish. The last few months have been rather hectic. Venus in Berlin and Erotica in London all of which I have had to plan for (but more about that later!). There is also another milestone that I have reached, its been over a year of me blogging – and, yes I know that my posts haven’t been daily as some peoples but I’m a very busy bloke at the moment (he says staring into space and humming to himself) with much to do, people to see, places to go…

Berlin was a freak fest just waiting to happen. With over 2 month of planning and many sleepless nights we finally departed for Berlin (with all the stuff that we needed for our stand being sent by lorry and with me wondering if it would turn up or weather it would – like most luggage – end up somewhere else, or even worse get mixed up and I would end up with the display for some one else – knowing my luck nuns or orphans.) and headed for the orange glow that is easyjet. I have to admit that I have never been on an easy jet plane and most of what I know has come from Airport (the ITV show that shows a fly on the wall look at the EasyJet group) so I was expecting delays and missed flights, but what I got was plain sailing (or should that be flying) and we arrived in Berlin on time and with all my luggage (darn and there was me hoping for a nun or orphan in stead of my luggage).

The Hotel that my boss was staying at was infact a craphole of a place, and the only reason that we where not staying at the same place was due to a small problem that the hotel didn’t have any rooms (what a pity) so we (me and my manager) had to stay in a 4 star hotel in suites (they up graded us because I was a lovely gentleman – my grandmother would be proud). The set up day for Berlin was rather nevous for me I had arranged that all the pallets of stuff would be delivered to our stand and when we parked the car at the venue I has starting to panic – but because I am a wonderful and skilled individual (*giggle*) all was there and on time (well that is German effisency for you!). I took over 8 hours to set the stand up but in the end it did look rather cool (until we looked at other peoples stands – they had put a lot of effort and cash into the stands and ours was a spend as little cash as possible affair.).

The first day was knackering, the Venus Fair opened at 11am and closed at 10pm, as it was the trade day (the people who we wanted to deal with) I had a half hour brake and staeted to look around – O M G – There was one stall run by a company from Japan which was extreme water sports (and we are not talking wake boarding or water skiing here) and very odd gay porn. Well it would be rude not too watch wouldn’t it! A small bloke walked onto the stand and took off his dressing gown and started to put snooker ball up his arse. Well Im sure you would expect me to turn away in moral disgust – but dear reader I continued to watch , for you, understand. He then produced a plate and popped each ball out onto the plate….

I've seen things that would make even a whore blush!

2005-10-25T18:30:00.000+01:00

Im back from Berlin - and the photos will have to be seen to be belived - all I can say now is "WOW". There will be a very long blog soon and will have a range of pictures as well!

SF xxx

this is the sort of stuff I sell

2005-10-12T15:38:00.000+01:00

This is the sort of stuff that I market - well what do you think?

Well knock me down with a dildo

2005-09-28T06:01:00.000+01:00

What can I say - I am not a porn barron (more a vicount) and even though some people have got it into there heads that I am I will take a few sentences to clear things up. I, Shocking Fish, at no point have I ever been any thing other than a good wholesome individual (*giggle*). So I work for an Adult company that sells all manor of virbrating things and nipple clamps, but that does not make me a porn barron. Sleazy whore, well yes, isn't it obvious; porn barron NEVER.

Show me the money

SF
xxx

Its all SEX, SEX, SEX and wait for it...SEX

2005-09-24T07:42:00.000+01:00

Wow! what more can I say - I love my job - I got to name my first vibrator today - The Atomic Buzz Bang, so named because it looks like a 1950's bomb and when you put the battery in it goes off like one as well. So Im all sure you all want to know what I've been up to over the last few weeks - well here goes!

I went to spain - paided for by work, to get off my tits on booze (along with all my other co-workers, such a good way to get to know everyone I feel!) I had a fantastic time - the weather was wonderful - spent most of the time either at the beach or by the pool - jellous much? saw folmenco dancers - the real thing; all make-up and teeth, very come dancing. Found out that one of my bosses has a foot fetish and the other ended up smoking a joint with all the staff - I think it had more to do with peer pressure rather than him liking it - as a few minutes later he "went to bed" - Im sure there are very few people who can claim that they've done that (and even better it was all paid for by work) - and just to let you all know - I did not partake in said illigal drugs - I dont want it being spread all over the papers about my scandals weekend away! Its nice to get to know people this way - all my work people know how big of a slut I really am (apparently they said "its always the quiet ones") - all I have to do know is sleep with one or two people at work and I can be the office bike - not hard Im sure!

At the moment Im rather busy - we are off to the worlds largest Adult Fair and no I dont mean that there will be candy floss or ferris wheels - unless they happen to be the names of porn stars - which is very likly - so far I've found Mindy Moon (possable apperance on EastEnders - Alfies German porn star relative come to stay and all sorts of "humours" plots then unfold.) I have had to spend most of the last week packing all sorts of stuff into boxes - wednesday found me washing butt plugs and dildos in the office kitchen sink - now come on how many jobs do you get to do that first thing on a wednesday? The whole German show is rather un-nerving as I have so much still to do; today I found out that I have a load of forms that should have been filled out and returned at the begining of September - arghh!

We have also had the show programme sent to us - now Im a liberal person - well ok Im more whore-ish and trampy but some of the DVD's that companies produce and want to sell to us is rather disterbing - the best (or worst) I have found so far is "Piss, Scat & Vommit Pie Vol. 3" not one to watch with Grandmother I feel. Also - male underwear isn't that sexy - well the stuff that they try to sell to you "normal" straight people (when I say normal I don't include anyone who would be reading this as by the very deffinition you will not be normal) THONGS ARE NOT SEXY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM - esp. if they are see-through and make the blokes "bits" look like odd coloured oranges in a net bag. we even do ones that have hole cut into them (I had to explain to middle aged man how they worked - he was very upset at the thought of his "bits" poking out - even more so when Green Goddess laught at the idea - maybe not the best thing to do to help boost a man confidence.

I have also netted most of my friends into becoming testers for new products that we get in. Wondy woman is already looking forward to the box that will be on the way to her soon - we do a glass dildo that has a liquid centre and glows in the dark that I will be giving to her (classy).

Monkey is fine - bless his little cotton socks - I still giggle like a school girl if I think about him - rather vile I know but thats love for you!

Will write more soon - honnest - and will be taking pictures for the site about my trip to Berlin as well!

Peace out

SF
xxx

two elephants fall off a cliff - boom boom!

2005-09-03T06:55:00.000+01:00

Well what can I say, yes I know that the last comment that I placed on the interweb thingie was almost a month ago but well its been a very interesting period....

First off the big news - I have a new job! and not just any old job - I have a job that so many people have said that they would love (well mostly my pervie brother-in-law but he's people) I am the new marketing executive for a wonderful little company that is a distributor and wholesaler for adult products - yes you guessed it Im selling dildos! There are very few jobs where having a very large box of vibrators and bondage gear at the end of your desk wouldn't warrent you being escorted from the building by burly security guards. I have to admit that I have had some odd comments - for example my grandmother loves the idea of the job that Im doing, while my mother belives that I have become some sort of pornographer (which I haven't - well not unless those naked pictures of me on the internet count?). I am also off to Europes largest Adult Products fair in Berlin in October - wow porn and international travel what more could I ask for?. For the record the company that I work for does not sell porn (its all vibrators and dildos and lube - oh my!) but some of the stuff we sell (and that people actully buy is quite beyound me - for example penis jewellery is something that has to be seen to be belived!) but what ever floats your boat is no concern of mine (as long as it doesn't involve animals, children, violence against an indervidual that does not wish to be involved or keith chegwin).

Now the next bit of news - I have to say a huge and heart felt "Congratulations" to Middle-aged man and Green Goddess on thier resent engagment and also to the local dictator who has just become engaged to her man - who belives that he can make a desent woman out of her? is this possible probably not! (This is going to cost me a small fortune in engagment gifts).

The next bit of news - I hope to have a replacement website up and running by the end of this year. I am going to be designing and writing my very first true website (site details to be confirmed here soon!) but in the mean time due to the amount of work that I am having to do at the moment my entries in this site are going to be twice a month (which I will keep to, I promis)

Thats it from me at the moment and I will post my next entry at the end of next week (oops! sorry it will have to bee the week after as my new boss is taking all the staff to spain for the weekend - how cool is my new job!)

Word to your mom!

SF xxx

I will write a full account of what happened on saturday soon

2005-08-08T23:41:00.000+01:00

honnest - but after reading wondy womans (www.wondywoman.blogspot.com) there is a lot to live up to, so my one will be just as good if not longer!

Soon

SF xxx

The smell of the grease paint

2005-08-05T05:01:00.000+01:00

Its that time of the year when all the "beautiful" people desend on Brighton for the annual mish-mash of freaks, weirdos and general scum bags that is lovingly known as pride. While I do aggree with some of the points that Pride events make I do feel that its time we look at these events for what they really are - a synical marketing ploy, for large companies to sell you stuff that you dont want and for only twice the price. Then you have the small stall holders who will sell you any range of rainbow tat in the twisted logic that you are showing that you belong to a "community" that sees its self (all be its very disjointedly and only ever through pink tinted lenses) as being all inclusive and accepting.

I DO love the idea of Pride but the whole point of the origanal Pride events was about being accepted by the wider community, but insted has become an event of money and excess. I know in my heart that I shall be there on the day and forget all about my ideals and end up drinking myself into a comma - oh and monkey will get his top off and start rubbing his nipples like a freak (so no change there then!).

I am going for a job that I want (I really really want!), as the marketing executive for a adult novilties company - how great would that be.......

Lubed up and looking for love

SF xxx

what makes a job good

2005-08-02T04:43:00.000+01:00

I am really not a happy bunnie at the moment (its all due to the job and hearing that some old lady in southern ireland won £77 million in the euromillions lottery - she plans to keep her job as a local bar maid - screw that Id by the pub chain with that sort of cash! it could have been me). I have taken a good long look at where I am and its still a fuzzy shade of grey - I should have some sort of direction in my life. I loth it here in hell...

I just cant control myself

2005-07-27T05:07:00.000+01:00

I have become hooked on shopping from play (www.play.com) books, DVDs and CDs have all been far to tempting for me to say no to. What am I to do??? I think I may need to join some sort of seven step programme.

I am meeting the parents on thursday - which I am rather nervous about - god only know why though - they are from the north Im sure that I could just turn on a light switch and they would be amased and astounded. As the old saying goes "its grim up north". Monkey has already stated that it somesort of revenge for allowing my grandmother to talk to him (litrally - she didn't come up for air for almost 3 hours - non stop verbal assalt on the ears - everything from her new play to how she worries about my lack of [religous] faith). I am rather looking forward to this meeting in some ways though, this might explain how monkey has developed the way he has - I assume that it may have been some sort of electro-shock therapy/mind control/deprivation experiment that has gone horrably wrong (*giggle*). Monkey may only get the upper hand until that time I introduce him to the defects that are my [close] family - mother, sisters, brother-in-law and the helliad (neice). Then he will be laughing on the other side of his face.....

As in the words of MC hammer - "You cant touch this"

SF xxx

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy!

2005-07-23T03:41:00.000+01:00

I am sitting here at work, pondering over some of lifes little misteries such as - why do I have a huge collection of heat magazines (for anyone who hasn't sean "Heat" its a trashy tabloid magazines filled with stories such as "Do these pics prove that demi [moore] is pregnant?" and "Even glamorous starts have to scoop their dogs poop") that are NOT mine sitting on my desk?, why am I collecting small bits of paper with telephone numbes scralled all over them but without the names of the people who numbers they are?. I must admit that I rather enjoy working late shifts (one of the reason why I am so loved at work at the moment - "yes I'll do your 2 til 10 shift") the fact that there are fewer calls and more time to spend surfing the net for stuff to buy!

I have just seen the video for the new goldfrapp single "oh la la" its really heavy on the old 70's glam rock and I really like it (will have to buy the album when it comes out!) but its strange because at one point I had a list as long as my arm of all the albums that I wanted and now I have absoulty nothing that I want to buy (this may be a good thing!). well ok apart from my shoe fettish ( www.vegetarian-shoes.co.uk ) which I feel could be spiraling out of control.....

I will have more info on monday - sorry this site hasn't been full of wacky and crazy things resently but I am working lates...

With a hey nonie nonie

SF xxx

morning after birthday blues

2005-07-22T02:49:00.000+01:00

I am now 28 (I can hear the joins creaking and my hair, or what little I have left, is turning grey) I had a rather good day - my mothers gifts where inspired as always, I am now the prowd owner of "spongebob squarepants aftershave" although it smells more like the stuff that you use to clean blocked drains. I am reasured that it is ment to be for men as it was next to the "bob the builder aftershave" and opposite the "princess barbie purfume". I am yet to wear it out in public as this may attract cats and rutting badgers. I am also looking forward to the social even of the year (forget the proms or wimbledon - Im where its at!) as a few (as in "you have been preselected for this once in a life time offer" type of way!) friends will join me for a light lunch and a screaning of Charlie and the chocolate factory.

There are a few "gifts" that did not meet the shocking fish standard (as low as it is) my sister (I say her name with clenched teeth) brought me a pair of trousers; rather good as it goes, but they where a 36 inch waste - how dare she - im a 34 inch waste - what does she think i am? Some sort of bloater?. But my neice drew me a fantastic picture, which I will frame and place on my wall.

This has been a wonderful birthday - even though I am stuck in a hellish job that pays crap money. I will write more tommorow

See you lot later

SF xxx

another year older and still none the wiser!

2005-07-21T03:41:00.000+01:00

Well look what I have done (worked out how to use blogger at work!).

Today was strange not just because its my birthday but the fact that work has cut 20 of the 36 temp jobs here (they pulled the names out of the hat - oh how fair!) and I was one of the lucky one who are staying. The odd thing is what would have happened if I had been fired on my birthday - well I think I would have laughed alot!

Well the big news is no more - here is the story......

I went for an interview in london and they called me back for a second one - I had to send loads of email answers and do a phone interview - I got the job - the only small thing (which I found out after I got the job) was the salary - less that I need to live on once to take into account travel and expensise (such as eating). So the big news was going to be that I was moving back to london but that is now not going to happen - shame but in a way Im glad as Im not sure if I wanted to move back to london?

I shall be updating my blog more oftern now as I can do it at work - horray!

Love to the world (but not norway)

SF xxx

You want the news - you can't handle the news

2005-07-07T08:25:00.000+01:00

The big news is coming - but not just yet (and no Im not in the family way!) I am very very very sorry that I have been a bit lax (well more than a little lax) it has a lot to do with the fact that I am doing a lot of late shifts at the moment and I am not the best person in the morning so even thinking about doing a blog would require me to get up an hour earlier than I would do normally. I job is getting to me - I knew that there was a reason why I hated nthell: so much - now I remember - the pay is crap, the job is naff and I keep being told that I am not selling enough - Im so sorry but I have a consence and I dont want to do anyything that would harm it!

The only good thing is that the fools have given me limited internet acess (and before you ask no I cant get to my site) the only site that I have been able to get working so far is the bbc site - so its not all bad then. I am having a little bit of a "moment" I soon turn the ripe old age of 28 and it has hit me rather hard - I will soon be 30 and what the hell have I done with my life - I know people who have toured the world and are as we speak writing a book about the adventure (which will get published she is that type of person). I have been stuck in worthing for that bit too long maybe its time I started to think about moving on (hint hint as to the big news) but with the small fact that I still owe my wonderful grandmother almost £5,000 there is not a huge amount I can do until this is sorted. The fact that the evil child turned one, which came as a bit of a shock (well I was expecting it, but not soo soon) and I have bearly thought about what I am to be doing with the rest of the damp squib that is my life. I really need to find the "spot" that I want to be in - not sitting at home with my head under the covers wishing for the world to go away - although that would be nice (some one make me a cup of tea as well, a few borbon biscuits as well would be nice!). Change is comeing and Im not sure that I can stop it!

Monkey is doing well (well that one good thing at least!)

There will be another blog on the 12 July - sorry but Im working and that the next day that I get off!

Hugs and kisses to the world

SF xxx

its comming...

2005-06-29T07:06:00.000+01:00

big news - but I cant tell you just yet what it is - but I will be able to do it soon (I promise). Well as Im here... Things at work have been going from odd to worse, we are no longer insuring people for sensable amounts but instead we will be charging up to 3,000% more for example - 55 y.o male with a minor heart problem; 10 days to an EU desitnation old price £40 - new price £280. I can hear the mad frothy people starting to compain as we speak....

The monkey is fine - we wil be doing something romantic this weekend - I have no idea what it will be, but as he is northern it may involve cloth caps and wippets (that a type of dog before you ask!)

OK OK I've been lax

2005-06-18T06:00:00.000+01:00

There are any number of reasons for me not keeping up with the blog at the moment - the main reason is the small fact that the internet at home is not working - which is possibly the lamest reason but it happens to be the truth. So what have I been up to, well to be honnest no a huge amount. Work is OK if not dull, I am taking an average of 22 calls a day - which for a call centre isn't that much; Im just wondering how much longer they can keep me on for?

Things are still going well with me and the boy monkey (bingo bango) and I now realise that he has the best bum in the world - it even beats middle aged man's finest asset.

I will give a better update in the very near futre

SF xxx

The list for Schotzy... here you go love!

2005-06-08T05:18:00.000+01:00

Name: Paul AKA shocking fish
Birthday: 20th July
Birthplace: Isleworth UK
Current location: Worthing, England
Eye Color: Green
Hair color: what hair?
Height: 6'3"
Handed-ness: Right
Heritage: British (or there abouts)
Shoes you wore today: Vegan 12 hole DM's
Your weakness: Chocolate
Your fears: Being loveless and lonely
Perfect Pizza: no cheese and loads of veg
Goal You Want To Achieve This Year: Find a job I enjoy
Thoughts while waking up: why am I on the floor?
Your Most Missed Memory: peachy my grey tabby cat
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McD's or Burger King: Ewwh! neither
Single Or Group Dates: Single and Group
Lipton or Nestea: sorry dont do cold warm drinks!
Chocolate Cappucino or Coffee: Chocolate
Smoke? No
Swear? Like a northern lesbian
Sing? Sing a song? sing out load, sing out strong.....
Shower or Bath? Shower
Been in Love? Yes and maybe at the moment?
College? Yes
Married? Not yet
Believe in yourself? Yes
Motion sickness? No
Do you think you are attractive? I would love to say yes, but I wouldn't belive me
Are you a health freak? Im vegan - of course I am!
Do you get along with your parents? Yes
Like thunderstorms? I find them strangly erotic and a huge turn on!
Instrument? Yes I oftern play with mine!
In the past month, have you..
Drank Alchohol: Yes
Smoked: Yes (just one) and I was drunk so it doesn't count
Done drugs: No
Gone on a date: Yes
Gone to the mall: Yes
Eaten cookies: No
Eaten sushi: Yes - vegan and very good
Been on stage: Yes - if you count pole dancing "on stage"
Been dumped: No
Skinny dipped: NoS
tolen anything: Yes - it was from an overly expensive store so it doesn't count
Ever...Been
drunk: Yes - what a foolish thing to ask
Called a Tease: Yes
Been beaten up: No
How do you want to die: In a strange sexual possition
What do you want to be? Happy
Country you'd like to visit: China
Best clothing style: Ill fitting and with no style
Drugs I've taken: Lots
CDs: Lots
Piercings: None - how dull
Tattoos: Sorry too much of a wimp!
Number of things I regret: None

Internet bandwaggon jumping? well if I must

2005-06-07T05:51:00.000+01:00

Well its time I gave my secret identity away! My real name is Paul Maxwell. But it's all in aid of another internet bandwaggon - googlisms (www.googlism.com) try it for yourself (this bandwaggon was pinched from Little Miss Muffin who pillfered it from someone else....)

paul maxwell is one of the cable industry's most useful formore employee's
paul maxwell is webmaster of http www.shockingfish.blogspot.com
paul maxwell is an acclaimed contemporary painter and sculptor true just see www.paulmaxwell.com
paul maxwell is webmaster of www well ive said it before - www.shockingfish.blogspot.com
paul maxwell is the farm manager am I? I thought that I was either the egg man or at best the walrus?
paul maxwell is visiting the yantai province in china on a tauranga sister city exchange organised by the polytechnic and tauranga I wonder if I will be reembursed for this trip?
paul maxwell is unable to turn out following his impressive match last week - snap is one of my favourite pass times!
paul maxwell is a writer and editor in berryville its all a lie - Ive never ever been to Berryville, and will only accept a paternaty test to prove it otherwise
paul maxwell is the gentleman who took this beautiful photo of an orchid well it was a pretty flower
paul maxwell is responsible for far too many of society's woes
paul maxwell is utep's million dollar lawsuit just waiting to happen

Well who wants a party fun bag?

2005-06-07T05:15:00.000+01:00

Well its better late than never - well Im sure that some of you may well be cursing the fact that I haven't been writing more of late; but well that luurrvveee for you. Things are still fine with the little northern monkey - athough we almost lost him to a deluge of ransid bitter during the latter part of last week.

Well it must be said that even thought the evil child is still spending my inheritance; I have to admit that she is getting cuter by the day - I still cant beleive that its been a year already? The party was (or so Ive been told - as I had to leave an hour into the party to get back to worthing from london to meet up with bingo bango) a huge sucess; as with all first birthday aprties most (if not all) of the guests where over the age of 16. I could tell that there was going to be more adults then kids, when 3 cases of Smirnoff Ice, 4 cases of Becks and a bottle of vodka - how many one year olds do you know that would get through that little list! The fact that the amount of food was dispreportionate to the number of people attending has resulted in my sister having to contemplate living off finger food for the next month - volavon anyone?

The job is going - but I am soo board! I am taking an avrage of 30 calls a day thats about 4 an hour - I may well end up mad from all the boardom! More soon honnest!

Love to everyone on the internet (except you - you smell!)

SF xxx

I blame the gays!

2005-05-28T21:54:00.000+01:00

The best thing about working is the fact that you sometimes get paid and that means that you can treat yourself to nice (shiney) new things. Well yesterday I went out with the crisp new notes that have magically arrived in my bank account and brought two new CD's; Gorillaz "Demon Days" and Queens of the Stoneage "Lullabies to paralize" both have been ripped on to the ipod. I have also brought a copy of Attictude magazine (for the disserning poofta) and apparently there are 20 new gay icons (?) here they are -

1 - Charlotte Church
2 - Marcia Cross (AKA Bree Van Der Camp)
3 - Cheryl Treedy
4 - Zoe Lucker (AKA Tanya Turner)
5 - Ana Mantronic (AKA the only woman in Scissor Sisters)
6 - Lourdes Ciccone (AKA Maddona's sprog)
7 - Sharon Osbourne
8 - Colleen McLoughlin
9 - Camilla Parker-Bowles
10 - Billie Piper
11 - Kelly Osbourne
12 - Condaleeza Rice
13 - Nikki Sanderson (AKA Candice)
14 - Jackie Stallone
15 - Pamela Anderson
16 - Natasha Kaplinsky
17 - Paris Hilton
18 - Eva Simpson
19 - Dr Gillian McKeith
20 - Amy Winehouse

Well I have to be honnest I maybe not gay enough as I would only say that 5, 7, 11, 15 (and maybe 10) are worthy of being a gay icon - Ive meet 15 and she is wonderful - she really is very attractive, even without the make-up on and is really easy to talk too. But 1, 3, 8, 9, 12, 14, 16, 17, 19 and 20??? maybe I need to start being more gay - spandex and a lycra boob tube and maybe a little make-up; whilst dancing to Kylie and Maddona records (*shudder*). But really, who the hell are the rest? I have no idea who 18, 13 and 4 are? I am thinking of rescinding my membership to the poofta club! What would mother say?

SF xxx

not another bloody list

2005-05-27T05:58:00.000+01:00

What time did you get up this morning? 5.55am
Diamonds or pearls? sorry I don't do bling but would have to be the dimonds as you have to kill the oyster to get pearls - very un-vegan
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Hitch hickers guide to the galaxy
What is your favourite TV show? Black Books - always makes me laugh
What did you have for breakfast? 3 slices of toast (with strawberry jam!)
What is your middle name? william
What is your favorite cuisine? anything vegan
What foods do you dislike? anything thats not vegan
What is your favourite crisp/chip flavour? salt and vinger
What is your favourite CD at the moment? Audio Bullies - Ego War
What kind of vehicle do you drive? dont /cant drive
Favourite sandwich? hummus with olive tapanard on warm lightly toasted bread
What characteristics do you despise? apathy; I can cope with people with strong veiws but hate people who dont express any.
Favourite item of clothing? tee shirt and black combats
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? China
What colour is your bathroom? yellow and blue (not my choice)
What colour pants are you wearing? black (is there any other colour?)
Where would you retire to? erm...I would want to stay near my family and friends
Favourite time of the day? five minutes before Im due to finnish work
What was your most memorable birthday? 19 - it lasted 3 days!
Where were you born? UK/South Africa - long story!
What's the last thing you ate? Apple
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? The lime green one
Favorite flower? Sunflower
What fabric detergent do you use? Ecover (kind on your skin and the planet!)
Coke or Pepsi? Coke - athought I know that I shouldn't
Do you wish on stars? Z list ones only
What is your shoe size? 11
Do you have any pets? no
Last person you talked to on the phone? Bingo Bango (making gooie, lovie dovie noises)
What did you want to be when you were little? a vet or a doctor
What are you meant to be doing now? going to bed
What do you first notice about someone? presence
Siblings? 2 - both girls and younger then me
What was your favourite toy as a child? plastacene
Summer or winter? winter
Hugs or Kisses? both - as long as they are long and ment with feeling
Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate
Who is most likely to respond? ???
Who is least likely to respond? me
Living arrangements? 4 bedrooms, one bathroom and only two people in this house
When was the last time you cried? I dont cry!
What is under your bed? nothing - I have a matress on the floor (the base of the bed was too big to get up the narrow stair case)
How many countries have you visited? In the last 5 yeras I have been to the following countrys - New Zealand (twice), Australia (once) and America (10 times).
In how many cities have you lived? 5
Favourite movie of all time? Any of the Indiana Jones movies
Mountains or beach? Mountains
The current friend you have known the longest? JM since I was 13
Full names of your potential kids? Onyx (for a boy) Bella Donna (for a girl)
Usual bedtime? 11 ish

Ask a silly question

2005-05-26T02:45:00.000+01:00

They have let me loose on the phones - now we can all watch Barclays share price tumble! I am paired up with a bloke who insists on telling me jokes - and not just any jokes, but the ones form the Jimmy Carr DVD, word for word. Now at the best of times I find Jimmy Carr a bit like a mild headache, its barable but you cant wait for it to go away. So having to deal with a third rate impersonator must be akin to having your head knocked in with a sledge hammer. I am sitting next to a lovley lady, the only small thing that I find a little disterbing is the fact that she wears thongs - now I hate to be bitchy (*gasp*) but she does have a rather large bum (not that Ive got anything against her large bottom - thank the unspesified entity) and it looks more like its making a bid for freedom as it is always having to be hocked up from her neather regions and snapped back in to place. The lady across from me is covered in gold (Shes like the Elizabeth Jukes collection all rolled into one*) and is a mouth breather in the bad sense. This is just a small snap shot of the "people" that I have to work with - I am looking at this as more of a field reserch project than a job (I wonder if I could get a bursery from National Geographic?). I am hopeing one day soon to be accepted into there clan and be able to interact with them as real "people".

*Elizabeth Jukes Collection, for those that dont know, is cleap gold chains, ear rings and rings. Avalable from all good Argos Catalouges nationwide.

More soon

SF xxx

better than a poke in the eye with a stick? well ok maybe not!

2005-05-25T02:56:00.000+01:00

Well here I go on another roller coaster trip that is my life! Scream if you want to go faster!

Today I realised that all call centre jobs are proctically the same, you spend a good portion of your day looking for things to keep you either off the phones or amused while you are on the phones yet waiting for a call; the elderly are pains in the arse (I really dont want to have a long and drawn out conversation about your intimate medical problems; one gentalmen when questioned about any medical problems gave me a five minute tale about how his piles have caused him no end of problems). You are forced to work with people that most of the time you would rather cross the road than have to deal with (but because the need for money is an evil mistress, you are confined in a small space with numorus "humans" who are using up more oxygen than they diserve for up to 7 hours a day) and that when ever you want to finnish on time (ie for lunch, loo break or to rush home and scrub your body with sand paper until you feel clean) there will be a caller that just refuses to FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!! no I dont want to give you the annual price for a group of 15 OAP, each with medical comlaints as long as your arm.....

Life is a journey - where can I get a refund?

oh, I can feel the old, bitter Shocking fish coming back

Ive been hit!

2005-05-23T06:41:00.000+01:00

Arggh she got me..... Ive been double meme'ed..... both film and music, this is going to take a while so here we go!

Total volume of music files on the computer? Well I have a 40GB ipod (the wife as some have called it) so as I have used 25% of the total storage space on the ipod its gonna be the same amount as is on the computer so 10GB. Although I do have over 35 CD's that I have mp3's burnt on to them as well so the real total could be as high as 35GB!

The last CD I brought was? Well I have to be honnest - I have no idea, I have over 500 CD's (albums) and about 100 or so singles; I have a feeling that the last one I brought was a copy of an album that I had; lent it to a "friend" who then never gave it back - so the answer is Leftfield - Rythum and Stelth.

Song playing right now? would be Ivy and Lead - The Two Lone Swordsmen; as a friend once said "It sound like music made by Lava lamps, very gloopy...."

Five Songs that mean a lot to me... 1- No Good (start the dance) Prodigy; well I have to be honnest it makes me dance like a loon when ever it comes on 2- The flip-side Moloko, I know all the words to this song and can sing in tune to it as well, a happy little song about your other side 3- Peek-a-boo! Sousixe and the Banchees, any song about a dancing prostitute has my seal of approval (once again I know all the words to this as well) 4- Frontier Psychiatrist Avalanches, a aural montage that makes me chuckle along with the lyrics every time 5- No one knows Queens of the stoneage, it, as they say, rocks!

Total number of films owned? Not that many, normally the films that I want are deleated and I can no longer get hold of them in the UK, a fine example would be Ed Wood's "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and the cheesy 80's low budget horror film "Killer Klowns from outa space". So all together it only comes to 75 DVD's. Not that many when you compare it to others (little miss muffin).

Last film brought? Well thats an easy one The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (I forced Bingo Bango to watch it all over the weekend!)

The last film watched on TV? Well thats difficult as I have Films on demand - but it would be Dodgeball, which did make me chuckle although I did regret paying the £3.50 for the film! Curse impulse spending!!

The last film I watched in the theater? Well that would be The Hichhicker Guide to the Galaxy, which Bingo Bango begged me to take him to see and then said at the end that it wasn't as good as the book - well I liked the film (I always try to remember that its a film and not the book, some people forget that - we wont go into the dreadful Battleship Earth, the film was as bad as the book!)

Five films that mean a lot to me? well they would be 1- Elvira Misstress of the Dark - what can I say camp horror b movie fun at its best! 2- Mystery Men - I liked it (although I know so many people who said it was shit) and it always makes me laugh esp. Paul Rubens as the spleen. 3- Hairspay you have to have a john walters film in your list, its the law I think, Divine is divine and a film with a fat drag queen in it, is sure to get me watching 4- Batman Returns even though Im a poof the sight of a rubber clad catwoman (unlike the hairball that was Catwoman staring Halle Berrie) aka Michelle Phiffer does something to me in a strange tingleing type of way? 5- Shawn of the dead, well its got Simon Pegg in it.......need I say more?

Well thats the end of that - I won't pass it on Im not crule like that! ha ha ha

Love to the whole internet *mwah, mwah*

SF xxx

It only takes a minute girl; to fall in love, to fall in love

2005-05-20T06:41:00.000+01:00

Well its been a long time coming but here it is a fresh update from the one and only (drum roll please) shocking fish, first off I have to say sorry to the one and only Disco-a-go-go, she was over from singapore and I didnt even have the nerve to see her! Although in my defence; if she where a true friend she wouldn't live in 'pore and instead take up residence in the UK (the offer of marrage is still open - athough Im not sure who would be the man in the relasionship - who am I kidding we all know it ain't gonna be me! and Im not sure that I could get away with wearing a white wedding gown - virgin?, me?? *giggle* - well not unless its the same as the one that sharline in "Neighbours" had for her wedding day - Marange on legs; that the look Im after). Also I have to say sorry to little miss muffin who has been pestering me with text messages telling me to keep the site up dated (all I can say to you love is that the restraining order should be with you in the next few days!). Sask1 I have to say that I would have loved to come to your blogger party - I would have turned up fasionably late as all the best people do and brought a cheap bottle of wine and drunk the expensive stuff that other people brought, but then I am a cheap-skate!. So what has been happening to the wonderful Mr Fish; well hold on to your hats people its going to be a bumpy ride!

I have a new job - its not a good job but it will do - I think I must smell or something because for all the interviews that I had not a single one of them wanted me (violin noise from small child being forced to "learn" the art of killing music) so what should I have done - well suiside is an option but I have problems taking a single tablet - four pints of water and much gulping - so how I would manage with a whole bottle of paracetamol I dont know? I would probably end up with sistitus rather than ending my life. So there was nothing else to do but - gulp - get a temp job! I am selling travel insurance for Barclays Bank, in a call centre, in worthing (OK so the suiside thing is looking like an option...) I am one of the oldest people doing the training - and at 27 you dont know how depressing this is - they are all pert and young (oh I can feel the bile and venom just bubbling under) and very very eiger to learn about Travel Insurance (I wonder if I can kill my self by tic tacks?). We have to sell (me sell WTF???) these over expensive policys to the old and infirm. The worst part of this hellish experiance is that I am only being paid £6.20 an hour - thats less than I was on with my last job (a lot less) but this is only a temp job (I must remember this). So for the next few weeks I will have a good supply of material for this site - horray, just like the bad old times at my last job!

My neice (the devil-child in human form, the thing that is spending my inheritance etc etc...) hits the big 1 on the 3rd of next month - this worries me for a number of reasons

1 - Where the hell has all that time gone?

2 - That makes me a year older!

3 - How come I have done bugger all in that time - well except for leaving my job and getting me a man (if you can call Bingo Bango a man - I think of him as more of a Northern Monkey - in the nicest possible way of course!)

4 - What the hell do you get for a one year old that has most of Hamlies and Mother Care already?

So if you know the answers to these or any other life afferming questions please let me know.

Bingo Bango - AKA my boyfriend (which I think makes me sounds a little like I'm 16 again) well people its been at least 6 (yes people that's six!) whole weeks since we first meet and things are still going well (although knowing my luck the next post I end up doing will involve me saying that he ended it because he didn't want to date a psycho like me) but there are a number of small things that worry me - I think that Im dating my father - not in a Jerry Springer type of way you under stand - more in a he has all the personallity traits of my father, and seeing that my sister married a tiny carbon copy of my father (the small hairy fruit SHF is just like my father, even my mother thinks that) this has me worried - maybe frued was right - though what penis envy has to do with this Im not sure? He drinks, he has a thing for shirts (which may not sound strange but SHF has the same thing for shirts - my father had this thing for short sleaved multi-coloured shirts, think carnie folk and your part of the way there....) ridicules the fact that Im a vegan, is hairy all over EXCEPT for his chest, is highly grigarious and out going - oh fuck I am seeing my father - Arrghhhhhh!!!! Well at least I dont have an Edipus complex - how strange would that be, almost as strange as the fact that Im dating a bloke who is just like my (dead) father - well at least I didnt marry the bloke who is just like my father (ha ha ha scabies* has married her father)
*Scabies is the nicname for my sister as she gets under my skin!

Well I am coming to a close with this installment of the life and times of Shocking fish, but with EuroVission on over the weekend and me seeing Bingo Bango (and getting the full details of how he came to assalt a drag queen in the Queen's Head in Brighton on monday) there will be another up-date on sunday!

Ta Ta For Now!

SF xxx

Arghhhh! Its all gone tits up!

2005-05-12T02:11:00.000+01:00

I didn't get the job at the hair dressing place - my sister was very disapointed (as she will now have to pay full price for all her hair dressing supplies - HA!) I am trapped in a low paying temp job and it really hasn't been a good month so far. Well all I can do to cheer myself up is to tell you about all the stuff that I will be doing in the following months (these all take place in Worthing - who know it could be such a hub of activity!)

Now there are also some things that I wouldn't do even if you paid me (like have sex with Richard Littlejohn - these have been marked with a * - they are here more for the irony value than anything else)

Freddy Starr - Friday 3rd June - Worthing Assembly Hall*
The Bobby Davro Show - Wednesday 8th June - Worthing Pavilion Theatre*
By Jovi (clever pune eh! bet you would never guess that they are a tribute band to Bon Jovi) - Saturday 9th July - Worthing Assembly Hall*
Jim Davidson (I will be out of the country both time - shame!) 26th July and 16 August (who would have guessed that he could fill out two whole nights!) - Worthing Pavillion Theatre*
SING-ALONG-A-SOUND-OF-MUSIC - Saturday 17th September - Worthing Pavillion Thetre (I did this in London when it first opened its soo cool - who wants to come with me?)
Derek Acorah (the UK most mystical of mediums *cough* is anyone there?) Friday 21st and Saturday 22nd October (I want to see him - and so does my mother - and what ever she wants she gets - thats how good a gay son I am!)

So if you want to see the last two then just let me know - and if you want to see the first four then please seek medical help....

Chow

SF

Well that was a waste of time

2005-05-06T17:25:00.000+01:00

It took me almost 2 hours to get to Peacehaven for the interview. The interview lasted 10 mins (if that!) and to say that I was miffed is putting it politly. The Dictator didn't get elected (the tory - excuse my language - cunt is still the local MP) and all I can say is that the old people of worthing - for it is them that voted the tory scum bag in - should be rounded up and shot (at least that way they will be out of my missery). So what else, well I haven't heard back from the Hair place, I will have to assume that I have been unsucssesful - why does that not surprise me!

I do however have a temp job; the evils of working for Norwich Union (I must remember that it is only a temp job; its only a temp job!)

Life still goes on!

Loads more Mr Nice Guy!

2005-05-04T04:04:00.000+01:00

Well things are looking better on the job front - I haven't heard back from the Hair place but I have an interview with another design company tommorow - and the best thing is the pay! £28,000 - £35,000 as a starting salary! how cool would that be - but maybe I shouldnt get my hopes up; to be honnest I dont think that I am the type of person that they will be looking for - I have a feeling that they want someone with a lot more experiance than me (but do not fear I would love the job, but I have to be a pragmatist!)

Things with Bingo Bango are going very well - he has just had the last five days off (and has now reached the grand old age of 25 - I will be getting me a younger model soon!) and we spend nearly all the time together - and I still want to see more of him (giggle) 'cos he but a huge grin on my face and makes me feel special (in the good way not in the "Sunshine Variety Bus" type of way*) We have loads of things that mean we will never see eye to eye (he hates that Im a vegan and keps on trying to get me to go veggie as its less difficult - and I hate that he will not eat any veggie/vegan food with out pulling some sort of face) but thats what I like about him - hes a challange, and someone who I look forward to seeing (even though he takes up all the room in the bed and brought a brown and orange Paul Frank jacket - good greif they say Gay men have style - fools!

* This refers to the buses that a UK charity buy for special needs schools - just in case you dont get it!

How gay is that job?

2005-04-28T16:52:00.000+01:00

The interview went well - I hope that I got a second interview (fingers crossed) but the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I would be a graphic designer for a hairdressers cash and carry chain store (how gay is that!) I can hear me asking people if they are going any where nice on the holidays already! As soon as I have heard anytrhing you (the beautiful people) will be the first to know!

Ah I have a long weekend with Bingo Bango - he's got five whole days off (and if I have my way most of the time will be spent in bed!) and shall also be seeing Gusset as she has returned from the land of the living dread - But the bad news - Today at 11.20am I am going to the dentist to have the other wisdom tooth out and to also have a cracked tooth repaired (so I shall be saying goodbye to £250!) Oh the pain.

On the good side I am seeing The Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy tonight with Bingo Bango - that should be fun!

Attacked in the street with nothing but a handbag to protect me!

2005-04-27T01:43:00.000+01:00

I have just got back from a very trurmatizing time in worthing high street - I was walking down the road minding my own business when a charity street collector jumped out of know-where and started to ask me questions about blind people - I paniced; and ended up in a ladies under garment store - I was then lepped upon by a shop assistent who asked me if I needed any help and before I could stop and think I said "no no Im just browsing" in a way that Im sure gave the impression that I was some sort of dirt pervert looking to fondel the gussets of the latest two breif set! I then spent 5 mins wondering around the store in a way that I am sure gave the assistent cause for concern before leaving the shop and dashing past the charity street collector.

Today I have learnt an important lesson - I have no idea what it is but Im sure its important!

Black is the new Black

2005-04-26T17:50:00.000+01:00

Tommorow I have an interview - and its come from a company that just saw my CV. The thing is that, well, its based in God's hell hole - Patcham; about 5 minutes from my old job. This is a crule twist of fate. I have no idea how much the pay is but it will have to be more than £18,500 p.a to get me going back to Patcham. So what does the young man about town wear to an interview nower-days; well as always I shall be wearing all black - black shirt, black belt, black trousers, black pants, black socks and a black and white striped tie - fetching eh??

I shall let you know how things went as soon as possible!

The whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

2005-04-21T19:29:00.000+01:00

Well I've had the top wisdom tooth out and once the swelling hass gone down (which it has) I shall be having the other one out next thursday - all for the tiny ammount of £250 (or $478 American or $592 Canadian or $789 Singaporian) so thats going to be fun! Bingo Bango moaned at me for having the nerve to be taking anti-biotics on his birthday next week, as well as having a tooth out (apperently the world does revolve around him! lol). So not only am I having to spend lots of money I dont have on dental work but also gifts for bingo bango (Im thinking me naked with a big bow around my neck might just do it - but its going to be difficult to try and get a refund - my mother only does exchanges and Im not sure that Bingo Bango would want my sister?) Thank god he's a easy bloke to buy for - Sci-fi geek - some cheap limited edition Lord of the Rings figurene should do. Still no job and Im running out of cash and time - its really dull not working - so will be getting a shop job or bar work as sson as possible.

SF

With age comes wisdom

2005-04-18T05:53:00.000+01:00

I have an impacted wisdom tooth - the whole left side of my face is about the size of a balloon - tommorow I have got to go back to the dentist and get yet more anti-biotics and hopfully get him to drain the bloody thing - This has really pissed me off, mostly due to the fact that said dentist told me (when I had the wisdom teeth on the right side of my face removed that I would not need the ones on the left side taken out - but exactly the same has happened - argghhh!!!)

Though I am wondering how much the going rate from the tooth fairy is?

SF

Yes; I know Ive been slack but

2005-04-15T22:49:00.000+01:00

There is a very good reason - and it all started about a week ago. (you will have to imagine your own flash-back sequence, this is a very cheap web site! think waveie lines and you are almost there!). It all started on wednesday last week when I went for a drink with a rather attractive bloke (who from now on will be known as "Bingo Bango" he gets his name from his love of Bingo - hey when you have a winning formula for naming people why stop!) - well we meet at Brighton station (I was my usual self and was 15 mins. late) and we went for a drink - this was at 2pm - by 11pm we had spent far too much time talking bollocks; and I have to admit that I was very taken with Bingo Bango and for the first time in about 7 years I made a pass at someone on the first time of meeting them. Now I was a little drunk; if you know me then you know that 6 pints of Hoegarden over 9 hours, for me, is pushing it. So I was a little shocked (but very pleased) that I got a kiss at the end of the evening. See being drunk can sometimes be a good thing!

Any who - the next day I had the mother of all hangovers - the one that starts at the base of your spine and carries all the way up to about 2 foot above your head. I was not sick - but I did vow to never drink again! (the drunkards lament!) and then got a text message from Bingo Bango asking if I wished to go to bingo with him - ME! bingo - with my reputation - I aggred, and I met up with him later that evening - now here is where it get odd; he was a little quieter and I wasn't sure if he liked me (you know "liked") so the evening carried on, me not winning any thing at Bingo - its rigged I tell you! and we moved on to a local pub after the Bingo finnished (Bingo Bango, me and several friends of his!) and the evening continued (yet more booze - Im sure its the reason that I am not losing any weight!) and at the end of the night we walked back up to the train station and caught the last train home - Bingo Bango getting off at hove - Now I was confused, did he like me? was he being nice to me and never wanted to see me ever again? "Bugger this" I thought and texted him saying that I had a really good evening, but it was a shame that I didn't get a goodnight kiss (blah blah blah). I would either not get a responce or get one saying "Fuck off" or words to that effect! but thats not the responce that I got - he does like me but apparently he's a shy bloke and worries that some people may not like two blokes getting it on (its not as if I would do anything rude - well OK if no one is looking - maybe) and he might get beaten up. Me with huge grin on face travels home on the train with the feeling that I might have met someone rather interesting....

Now Saturday I was meeting Hoff and Fugazi (a evening meal and a film - shaun of the dead - Hoff has a thing for Simon Pegg - what is it about Simon Pegg and gay men of my age?) and had a lovely time (things are going well between them and I am so happy for them). But on Sunday I was going to go and see Constantine with Bingo Bango (Keanue Reaves can not act to save his life - the words wooden spring to mind!) - The light dimmed and for most (if not all of the film) we held hands - ahhhhh! (I can hear people making gagging noises - but fuck them Its been a long time since I have felt the erge to do that with some one - it was a wonderful feeling). After the film finnished, well I could say that I went home - but that would be a lie.......

I am very happy at the moment and the more time that I spend with him I come to the concultion that I want to spend even more time with him, Im not sure how long this relationship will last (could be a few weeks it could be longer) but I have a disire for it to be the latter - I've met someone who makes me feel rather happy

Live for the day -

Shocking Fish :) (with a huge grin on his face!)

Jobs for the Gals...

2005-03-31T03:48:00.000+01:00

OK so its been a long time coming but here is the list of new jobs that the wonderful Little Miss
Muffin could well be doing after her time at NTHell:. Before she starts on her new life there is a few skills that she will need to prefect so inorder to do this may I recomend that she clicks here http://www.jumpanddance.com/gymnasiumtraining.htm . Once she has learnt to shimmie like a snake covered in oil she will be ready! Nude - there Ive said it - nothing would please Little Miss Muffin, but to be able to get her baps out AND get paid so - http://www.modelreg.com/joblink.htm . for a few jobs that will be able to help her out (of her clothes!). But whats that I hear you cry - its too cold to whip my norks out in public - well OK I get your point. so Ding Dong who is that calling, because it could well be Little Miss Muffin at work with her new carer selling make-up to disenfranchised housewives - http://www.avon.uk.com/PRSuite/selling/benefits.jsp or better still how about tupper-ware any one with this job - http://www.betterware.co.uk . Now she oftern states that she looks like a dogs dinner (which is pure bunkum as far as I am conserned!) so how about she tries this job for size - http://www.connexions.gov.uk/jobs4u/summary.cfm?id=258 . Not enough lazers or death-rays, how about taking over the world, you will of corse have to think about how you would avoid the usual traps; so try this link for size - http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/filmtv/overlord.html . Not for you how about saving the world from maniacal people with this job (please note that you may NOT end up like James Bond) - http://www.mi5careers.co.uk . And finally - this link is more for me as I think the Muffin would look great in some of these outfits - http://www.murrayandvern.com/v2/home/home.htm .

Beyond belief

2005-03-28T08:35:00.000+01:00

At times it scares me - the people on Gaydar, I have just had a very long conversation with a rather "nice" bloke who seamed with-it and together; only after I had spent a little time talking to him did I start to get the warning bells - we got on to ruling the earth (think James Bond super villan) and he wanted to get rid of stupid people - I then commented that it was rather like eugenics and no one should advocate that - and he said that eugenics wasn't too bad. Well hands up who thinks this sentence was a little too creapy - people who advocated eugenics include Hitler, Edward Molsley, Musolini, verious Communist leaders and sections of the religous right. So Gaydar has now scraped the bottom of the barrel - well at least I only have 3 more months as a member before I can quit and never have to go back to that fettid hell hole.

I smell like.......

2005-03-23T05:01:00.000Z

Whilst flicking through todays paper I came across a wonderful artical about the new celeb must have (read this as way of making more cash from the gulable and weak willed) - perfume, yes you can now smell like the celebrity of your dreams (???). There are a few that I could understand - Britney's (Curious - thats the name of it) pong has just been relased and is full of flower smells that are from here home state of Louisiana (now I thought that Louisiana was full of swamps and stagnet water but Im sure thats not what its ment to smell of) but according to the review it smells "Toxic". Then we have the second most evil woman in the world - J-Lo - with Miami Glow - now if you've been to Miami you will know that its full of himbos and poofs - so maybe thats the market she's after... Now I have smelt this one - my mother wanted it for a christmas present (*shudder*) and it smells just like a glade plug-in crossed with one of those trees that you can put in your car (and for some strange reason my grandmother hooks on the back of doors through out the house). The reviewer puts it even better "the smell of fanta and suntan lotion - the cheap stuff". Now the next one you may wish to look away if you are of a nervous disposition - yes its Celine Dion with Notes, I wont put any more as its best to ignore her or she may start singing again.... But here is the one I dont get, you can smell like Sir Cliff Richard (obviously a heady mixture of Una Stubbs and the Queen Mum) with Miss You Nights (?) who on earth would want a perfume by Sir Cliff - the review states that it makes a valuble alternative to mace, which is good to know if Sir Cliff ever sings Millenium Pray again.

Argghhh... The gym has become a bit of a sore point for me - in more ways than one. I am really rather enjoying it, this has come as quite a shock to everyone I know - including me. Yesterday I did a full warm up and 50 minuets of full on excersise (20 mins on the bike, 10 mins on the cross trainer and 20 mins on the treadmill) I am even going back today, what is wrong with me. I even caught myself looking at the excersise classes that the gym runs - I am deeply peturbed by this; I mean what am I turning into.

I saw Robots last night and I have to admit that it was rather good and would happily buy the DVD when it comes out, so if you havent seen it run out and see it today.

Still no job.......

Sun, sea and ..... well two out of three isn't bad!

2005-03-21T03:55:00.000Z

Today was a wonderful day, there was sun in the sky! So like all good boys I went to the beach to enjoy a cuppa tea and a read of the sunday papers! today was a good day!

Bennett Cerf's vest pocket book of jokes for all occations

2005-03-18T01:57:00.000Z

The wonderful little miss muffin www.wondywoman.blogspot.com has given me a few jobs to think about, although I must admit that some are a little beneith me.....

Rent boy to the rich and famous - If I could whore myself dont you think that I would already be doing it, at best I am pale and lankie (with love handels - mmmm how attractive is that) which is hardly what most (if not all) international superstarts are after.

Belly Button Polisher to Pavarotti - Thought there is the added expence of buying a miners lamp and canary.

Street Performer (Shoeless Mime Artist) - Im sorry but this is so not me, standing around on street corners doing bad impresions of a person trapped in a glass box? I only do that if Im drunk.

Researcher on the Trisha Show (speciality: Teens in Trouble/Transvestite Bulimics Pole-dancing Midgets with Commitment Issues) - OK I could be tempted with this, laughing at those less fortunate that yourself is always an uplifting experiance - there is the possibility of real job satisfaction here.

Window Cleaner (as in Confessions of a...) - Where can I buy loon pants

Surf Bum - Mmmmmm, a surfers bum Mmmmmm...

I will return with a list for the wonderful Ms Muffin as soon as possible.

Horray for Gussett

2005-03-16T06:36:00.000Z

Horray - she got it! Last night, Gussett, was headhunted and will soon be leaving the shores of the UK and making her way to the BIG APPLE - horray! we will be sad to see her go, but I look at it like this I am not loosing friend but gaining a free place to stay in New York!

The hunting of the "job"

2005-03-16T03:05:00.000Z

Today I have been on a "job hunt" looking for one of the elusive bliters. With tent, backpack and sherpa guide (Nanook) by my side I left the house waving a fond farewell to my grandmother, knowing that this might be the last time that I set my eyes on the old gal. We had planed to make base camp at Teville Gate, but as the place is now being knocked down we thought it best to keep traveling until we reached the Co-op car park. When we did arrive at the base camp we where shocked to find that there was no avalible space for Team Alpha (as we have named this expodition) to errect (*snigger*) the tent and bevy in for the afternoon - we did find some shade and restbite when we managed to find shelter in the leigh of a Vauxhall Nova. Only then did we discover that the food rations had not been packed (and there was me looking forward to the olive tapanard and sun blushed tomatoes on mini crackers), we would have to live off the land.

We are yet to see a "job", but my spirit is high and tommorow is a new day!

SF

All play and no work makes SF happy but poor!

2005-03-15T05:50:00.000Z

OK, OK I know that Ive been slak over the past week or so - and Im sure you wont let me get away with saying that the flu prevented me from doing anything! I have been enjoying the last week, if you cant revel in a cold then what is the use of having it. Daytime TV has become rather stale since I was a student and could get away with spending hours watching crap - but all that was on where home make-over shows and infomersals; and the thing that really pissed me off what the fact that I have now seen every episode of Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends on the Cartoon Network. So this is me saying "I need a job" - I have got to pull my finger out and start looking for a job that pays well and gives me some sort of warm fuzzy glow inside for doing it as well (has SF gone mad - surely these things are not possible from any job that he is likly to get!?!). So here I am preparing to go on a job hunt, with pack and sherpa guide (Nanook for those that what to know his name) and feeling that I will probably end up having to be dragged from the house by Nanook weaping and screaming at my granmother "I maybe some time" as I am forced to sign up to a few recruitment agencies. I shall let you know how this goes.

I have been meaning to go back to the gym (its the perfect place to see naked buff men - in a "oh? did I rub up against you - so sorry!" type of way) as I am spending £25 a month and have so far been once (yes thats once) this year - maybe I should just flush the £25 down the loo and call it quits. No I am determined to turn this scrawny (yet flabbie round the middle) pale body of mine in to something that you are more likly to see in gay porn (its an aspirational job that I've always wanted!) - remember the true gay mantra "your muscles can never be too big or too tanned". Im sure that it would help me find Mr Right. Well, seeing as Gaydar is becoming a bit of a moot point - I have met many people - most of whom turn out to be either......

1 - psycotic - all we have to do is look at the bloke who wanted me to buff up and then cover myself in tatoos, or the mad german bloke who kept sending me pictures of his feet.
2 - drug addeled - Mr T (I pity the fool) - need I say more
3 - Still in love with their Ex - Hoff - oh there is a new story involving Hoff (which I now under stand is german for "Hope" made him laugh) which I shall tell you about later.
4 - Closeted - Dr 2B - yes folks the nice german Dr 2B isn't out and is worried about who his students will take it (maybe faint, or cause some sort of apocalitic riot that will cause the end of the world as we know it or do nothing!) so the good Dr 2B is now on the reserve list of people that I have.
5 - NICE - Mr P - who I havent spoken to for some time - no loss there then

Maybe Im too good for Gaydar (lets see - Im going with no - work with me here people).

Any who, I have had a good few days over the weekend but I have to say that its no fun if you dont have any cash to hand (and having to steel your granmothers pension is not the way I want to go - she gets far too little to be able to fund a good weekend out!) but I did see Hoff and Fugazi on Friday (hold on to your lunch children for this is going to get odd!). We went for a drink - I love the both of them - in a non sexual way - well with Hoff, maybe just a little bit - but seeing as he has made his mind up I will quite happily not do anything and I must admit that even if they where to brake up I dont think in all honesty I could put myself in that possition again. Hoff was acting weird after about the third beer (and for those that know me - three beers is a lot - oh the shame of being a light weight!), and once we got back to their place he became more and more on edge - this made me feel really very much like the third wheel. After Hoff had stormed out the room for the second time, I went to bed. The next morning he was slightly better, but only slightly. After my second NON date with Dr 2B (see above) I wrote him an email, and after a few repeaded barages of emails from me and him; here is how he saw things. He still has trust problems with Fugazi (which I can understand - well sort of) and he felt like he was the third wheel as I was enjoying and talking too much to Fugazi (good grief does he think that after dating him I would then leap into bed with the bloke he has just got back together with??? the fool) But I hope that things are still cool between the two of us (he, and Fugazi) are some of the best people I met in a fair few years and I would hate to lose them as friends! - that makes me sound so "needie" like I have no friends or something - the truth hurts SF the thruth hurts! ha ha ha.

Have also see Green Goddess and Middle aged man - both are well and looking forward to some well desirved time in San Fran (the best place in the world! well maybe not as good as Sydney!)

Word! (I have no idea what the context of this word is but it reminds me of the episode of the simpsons where Bart joins a boy band and they get the backstreet boys to do a bit and all Justin Timberlake says is Word! - what the Fuck does it mean?????)

SF xxx

Feeling better-ish

2005-03-08T22:02:00.000Z

Well the mucus has gone down - the nose is still bungged full of crud and I've worked my way through a box of tissues; but I am feeling better.

With snot

SF xxx

regreats I've had a few

2005-03-08T01:07:00.000Z

Well as I write this I feel like crap - how does my body produce so much mucus? maybe there is a mucus fairy that comes in the night and fills your head with the stuff! So for the most part of today I have been watching crap on the telly - wow the Jack La Lane Juicer - I want one. No No No - it must be the cold! Well I need to have a lie down and drape a damp towel over my head of a few hours.

Lots of love

SF xxx

queen of the stoneage - wild woman of borneo

2005-03-07T04:44:00.000Z

Hi there muffin weasels - I am all bungged up with flu! Its been a long time comming but its here at last - three fucking weeks its been bubbling up for and NOW it rears its ugly head. Well yesterday was interesting. I went for coffee with the affable Dr 2B; now I am always crap on a first NOT date, but he made me look good! He would gurn every time that there was a pause in the conversation (either that or he had non verbal terrets syndrome) which is rather off putting when you are trying not to shout at the top of your voice " for gods sake man why are you pulling faces at me!" but as you all would probably tell me - its rude to point and stair (yes wrong stair). He is a really nice bloke and I will see him again - but to be honnest Im not sure if he is what I want in a potentual boyfriend/boyfiend (and Im sure thats what he is thinking to himself anyway about me?) I have also been avoiding gaydar and Messenger of late due to a bloke who at first seamed to be rather nice but then turned into a psycopath - He wanted me to get covered in tatoos - and I do me covered - knob and all - which is nice for him but I only said that I wanted a small one on my back and that lead to a 20 minuet stint on messenger about how hot I would look with my body covered in tatoos.

Yesterday was a cool day - Gussett was back from the middle of nowhere and we went out for a Pizza (I cant wait till pizza express start using redwoods melting vegan cheese - 'cos a cheese-less pizza is rather un-pizza-ish) so I spent most of the evening with Green Goddess and Middle aged man quizing Gussett about the thing she has got going with her flatmate - sleeped in his bed with no clothes on - what a whore! but who am I to judge (point fingers I sure you will!). I also put 2 empty coke bottles in her bag (the cool glass ones!) so the evening went well.

Today was aslo another good day for random people turning up - as Sisor sister turned up with the hell child - apparently they have been told by the doctors that she is going to be small - well isn't that obvious - look at the poor childs family - Small hairy fruit is about 5 foot 6inches at best and his whole family is stacked end to end would messure less than a dinning table.

Well more from me soon

SF xxx

Swim little fishy as fast as you can and he swam and he swam right over that dam!

2005-03-05T21:20:00.000Z

Well cheese buckets - today I have a NOT date with Dr 2B, I think he seams quite sane and Im hopeing that he doesnt have an ex boyfriend living with him (been down that road before - strange people and the all) but Im willing to see what he is like and at least give him the time of day. As soon as I have more information I shall let the internet know!

Soon peeps!

SF

What a great pair of lungs you have there!

2005-03-04T00:05:00.000Z

Well what can I say I got a huge set of lungs - well thats what the lovely lady at the gym told me. But I shall skim over the fact that I am 88KG (of which 20KG is fat). There is the chance that the one and only Disco-a-go-go will be gracing the shores of the UK in the not so distant future - all I can say (in the words of pan faced singing harlot Sophie Ellis Bextor) there'll be murder on the dance floor. I saw Green Goddess at lunch today to pass her birthday gitfs over to her - she was much delighted by the 1.2KG of Cadburys chocolate that I brought for her (and Middle-aged man isnt getting a bit!).

Films that I am looking forward to seeing include the wonderful Robots, dark gothic comic book film Constantine and the deeply rich Charly and the chocolate factory.

Big up to Hoff and Fugazi - bring me back a small trinket from Berlin - I cant remeber my journy there - all I got (which should be a slogan on a tee shirt) when I went to Birlin was a bloody hangover - it lasted 3 days.

Happy Birthday to ya, Happy Birthday

2005-03-03T18:37:00.000Z

Well, Well, Well the green goddess is 22 today - the youngest of my friends turns 22 today - Happy Birthday love!

SF xxx

and stretch, two, three, four

2005-03-03T18:18:00.000Z

Well I am a gluttton for punishment - I have my gym fitness test today, which will involve me getting a sweat on. But who am I to complain I paid the £14 to have this done so I cant complain.

Still no job!

Its a german thing!

2005-03-02T05:25:00.000Z

Well flushed from his sucsess with the nice Dr 2B, I have found out that he is also from Germany - I think that maybe Im attracting them! They know that I cant speak german - damn! I can do very bad latin and shout in french, oh and say I love you apple in Mandarin but that it. Well OK I know Run Rabbit Run in Mowary, but what fucking good is that!

SF is happy again - meeting Dr 2B on saturday!

Lets talk about sex baby....

2005-03-02T02:54:00.000Z

lets talk about you and me - well OK lets not.

Did you all see the 100 greatest cartoons - well I must admit that I was a little dissapointed that they did not have some of the greats of British cartoons and cheesy european cartoons - where was City of Gold, Trapdoor, Count Ducula, Stopp it and Tidy up and Uylesises 31 - I think that there is some sort of international conspriesy - I mean Danger Mouse at number 24? what are they thinking. I also saw Channel 5's 50 bitchest TV moments - full of queens and faghags (though I must admit that I wasnt asked for my opinion on any of these moments? I feel cheated and used! Not in the good way - well maybe a little) There was some cool bitch fests going on - Vanessa Felts being slapped down by Miss Piggy (that rocked, she is a true Diva - fuck Cher, Madonna and the others; Gay men should have Miss Piggy as a true Icon!); The two poofs Justin and Colin from that DIY programme (you know the two faggy scots designers - who clame just to be friends, but live together); but for the life of me I cant remember who was number 1 - it was that good!

Now what else can I tell you - well still no job (I now have to admit something, Im not really looking - shock! horror!) but you will be pleased to here that brother-in-law (small hairy fruit) has found a well paying job with an armfull of great perks - free car, laptop, mobile, heathcare, blah blah blah - Im not jellous at all.

Today I mostly went to Worthing.

SF xxx

The problem with the internet

2005-02-27T00:50:00.000Z

Well Ok Gaydar is working for me - have been in contact with a rather nice young man from Brighton - seams well hinged and unlikly to fall to peices as soon as I start talking to him - very nice man - He's going to be a Dr, not a medical one but a Phd. one, which in my books is just as good! I shall let you know how things go ahead as soon as things happen - which may be some point next week.

Still no job - yeah yeah I know that I need a job - stop your bitching! I know that its the green godesses birthday next week (the 3rd for all you people out there how know her) and she demands a really classie gift (or three) - but saying that, the gift I was going to get her from a specialist shoe shop on line cost well over £40 - and even though I love her to bits I dont have that type of cash on me. I know for a fact that even if I was going to work my worthless ass in some local red light district, I would make less than the bus fare back to my home!

With Love to all in internet land

Shocking Fish!

stuff to do - people to see

2005-02-24T05:38:00.000Z

This is going to be a very short post, as I have nothing to really say until the weekend - horray! Still no luck with the job - osmosis didn't work, damn and I was holding such high hopes for this method! Gym tommorow - ugh! why do I do it.

visit - www.ilovelittlemissmuffin.blogspot.com

They walk among us

2005-02-23T01:29:00.000Z

Lo there peopleage

I went to worthing today - good grief where do they ship these people in from, its like some sort of 1970's horror flick - The town of Munters from under the stairs - and they all apper to need motability carts. Now I have nothing agenst the "ugly" as you know; some of my closest friends are phisically unattractive - its the reason why I hang out with them - sensable reason eh chico. But, well, ughh! after having my shins blooded by one of the "uglies" in a four wheeled motability cart I was got at by some bloke trying to hand me a leaflet about the word of God - a quick karate chop to the back of the neck and that saw him off.

No job today - tommorow I shall be trying to get a job through osmosis - pressing my head up against the window of either Kellys or Reeds enployment agency - I have high hopes for this method - Its how I got my degree - well except for the bit about using osmosis.

The compleate box set of trap door is out - I will be getting this as soon as possible.

Site of the day - well fug me if I haven't got a fan site already - go to http://iheartshockingfish.blogspot.com/ for more information.

Wet kisses and a little over the sweater action from me to you

Shocking Fish :)

It is better to be right than to be popular

2005-02-22T03:59:00.000Z

Sorry forgot to mention the fact that I am going to start my new life tommorow! I think it has some thing to do with the fact that it was cold out today - did you see the snow?

And low from the west a chosen one did come forth with gifts of stuff and a cracking set of norks - Yey! the chest is coming the chest is coming! I will buy her things and stuff and give her the christmas gift that I have been meaning to post to her for a while - but well never got round to it!

Yey!

Evil. Terror. Lust.

2005-02-21T22:16:00.000Z

Well good morning my little plug scrapings - today is a good day - It arrived - I almost wet myself (well almost) something that I have wanted for a while popped through the letter box today - Elvira's Haunted Hills - 90 minuets of pure Elvira goodness - camp and trashy with a hint of trailer trash class - all I can say is it made my day. I shall be forcing Little Miss Muffin to watch the film as soon as possible, and I may even get her a copy of it as well.

This is a shout out day - all the people in da house. First off I have to say Little Miss Muffin you are a wonderful person, you even have great taste in 80's cartoons - you rule!! The greengoddess and middle-aged man, its about bloody time that the two of you when abroad as a couple - San Fran here they come (oh bring me back nice stuff!) Disco-a-go-go, I hope that the new international jetset lifestyle that you have is going well and thanks for the words of encoragement. Gussett, where ever you are - the candle is still burning for you. El presedente you wish is my command.

Fugazi - friends? we all fuck up at times - dont let it eat away at you! I have skin like old well tanned leather - or its eco friendly non animal alternative!

rubber covered ipod

2005-02-20T02:49:00.000Z

Well its official - Im broke, jobless and single. I wondering how much longer this spell of good luck can keep on going? I dragged (dragged??) Little Miss Muffin to the centre of the universe (for that please read Brighton) to do a little light shopping - I forced (arm behind back kind of thing) her to buy a bag, which matches the ipod cover that she brought 4 weeks ago and a rather fetching pair of muffs for her ears! I brought two CD's and a black rubber ipod cover - I like to think of it as being rather S&M but even I have to admit that its more M&S.

Please spare a thought for Middle-aged man, he is going through a phase at the moment - saving money and buying shares and making his mind up that he doesn't need that extra X-Box game. Shame on you; Shame on you.

You are the wind beneith my wings

2005-02-19T04:18:00.000Z

Thank you all for the words of wisdom - all of you! I feel much better now and will tell you a story of what I did on Monday. I went to see Spongebob Squarepants the movie - oh my good grief - David Hasilhoff has possibly the strangist role in any film ever - he is used as a motor boat for spongebob squarepants and patrick. This movie is one of the greatest films ever made (well OK Im making that part up!) but if you have the chance to see it then please do go, neigh run to the nearest location showing this film and demand a front row seat for the ride of your life!

Ikea hell - on tuseday I was high jacked to go shopping with both sisters and married sisters ex to go and buy curtains for ex - he is currently doing up his house to attract ladiez (the z is there on purpose as these are the kind he is after) Dont go to Ikea - I spent £10 on stuff I did not need.

Tommorow is shopping with the wonderful Little Miss Muffin!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

2005-02-18T18:45:00.000Z

Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life - and what a life it is shaping up to be - jobless and as of wednesday single (again), a long story so settel down with a bag of popcorn and a pitcher of diet cola and be amaized at the true story that is my life.

I came back early from my rummage around the country seeing all sorts of wonderful people, you know who you are, to spend wednesday in bed with Hoff - hey it sounded like a good idea at the time and how was I to know what would then ensue. I caught the 9.04 am train from Isleworth and arrived at brighton at about 10.30 ish where I was met by Hoff - we went back to his place and well; shagged! Later on after a whole afternoon in Brighton eating and drinking we go back to the Hoff's place - the ex comes (he shall now be refered to as Fugazi) home and this is where it gets odd. Hoff starts to have a panic attack and a headache - this is when I first thought that I might end up single again - who has panic attacks when some one enters a room unless you have a problem being in the same room as someone who you still want to be with! The pannic attack gets worse - There I am chatting away to Fugazi (who I like - he's cool and hip - in a works in pensions kind'a way!) who then - half way through the Goonie's goes down to his room. This is when it all happened - Hoff turned to me and admited that he still had feelings for Fugazi - what was I surposed to do - they had been together for about two years and I am no ones fool; love can't be over ruled. So I told him that he should do what he has to do! Hoff gets up and walks out of the room to tell Fugazi. At this point I am fine, well Im always fine - I think that this is my one major problem; Im fine, father dies, Im fine, help friend through very dark times, Im fine, bullied and ostracized at university, Im fine! Im always fucking FINE!

I am a calm person, people have always had a thing for telling me there problems and feeling better for doing so, which has always left me with a huge problem, who do I turn to? I know that I have lots of people who will feel hurt for me saying this as they would always be there for me if I asked but I find it difficult - I took me over 18 months to admit that I was suffering from depression. Why me? I am know the only person (with a few exceptions) who is single and this is getting to me. I know that I will bounce back, but I am getting the feeling that if there is a god (which there isn't) it is having a fucking good laugh at my expence!

I hold no hate in my heart - Ive got to make this very clear - I like Hoff and Fugazi as people and as friends, they have a long way to go in sorting out their personal problems (of which there are a few - but this is about me not about them!) I wish them well - and more to the point they owe me big time! At least I will now have a place to crash when I go out to Brighton!!

Im off out tommorow with Little Miss Muffin and seeing Middle aged man and the Green Goddess on Sunday - people who always cheer me up! Monday is the start of a new adventure!

Back from the living dead

2005-02-17T05:11:00.000Z

Im back!!!! Well here I am writing the first letter back from my world tour - If you missed Kagagoogoo they will be releasing the Greatest Hits album later in the year. A short post but I have lost to tell!

More soon

hit me baby one more time!

2005-02-06T02:39:00.000Z

Welcome to the wonderful world of baby-sitting. I love it, so far I have watched the carebear movie and Tweenies about five-billion times. Im loving every minuet of it, mostly for the fact that the little 'un has this great habit of force feeding me her food - bannanas, baby food, rice cakes and more; well it would be rude not to accept! I am also having a whale of a time playing with all her toys - don't worry they are educational (so I am going to come back smarter with better hand-eye co-ordination and maybe the ability to put green squares in the correct hole - so far I yet to master this). My sister - Mole - is also looking for a new job, she works for a large international newspaper/magazine company - she was on more than me! I hope that she finds a new job that pays well! Fuck that I want a well paid job that gives me the international jet-setting life that I have always dreamed of!

So what more can I put apart for the fact that I hope that Little Miss Muffin stabs the evil lady that picks at her teeth all day.

All loved up and no-where to dry hump!

2005-02-03T08:28:00.000Z

I think its happening - I have a funny feeling - and I think its due to Hoff - Yep that's right I think I have tonsilitus. Oh yes and I think that I know that I really, really like Hoff, he made up his mind that he wanted to see me - I think that he's after either my body or my money and sadly neither of mine is worth having! I spent a relaxing day wondering the streets of Brighton (not in a drunk with a can of special brew kind of way) all loved up and looking for a place to dry hump - not to self HMV and Virgin are not good places! Only part of the last statment is true - HMV and Virgin are good places to dry hump as long as you do it in the world cinema section! I am soon to be off an the world tour - think Krankies rather than the Rolling stones, so these spoon feed morsels into the life of a true blue glamour puss maybe thin on the ground over the next few weeks - but they will be over 500 words each!

Sweet dreams to all in internet land - catch up with you soon!

I drink to get noticed

2005-02-02T07:55:00.000Z

Well my life as a lady of lessure starts today - just after I get rid of this fucking hangover! Good greif why is it that I have the odd one or two and my body starts acting as if I have just helpped George Best and Peter Cook polish off the last of the Perno and start on the green stuff that Great Aunt Beryl brought back from her two weeks in the Costa Del Sol. I had 4 bottles of Becks and a shot of Sambukka and spent most of the morning wishing that the world would stop spinning - good grief I am getting old. Last night was quaint - in the sort of way that attending weddings or parties of people that you dont fully know is quaint. Its was just one person - we shall call him lier lier pants on fire (LLPOF for short) and the way in which he leired and named dropped (mostly to me) for a good part of the evening that caused me to pannic and mouth to anyone who would look - HELP ME!. Now before you start questioning me, I have to thank her royal nibbs - Little Miss Muffin - for a great evening; she does know some classie people - and they all have fantastic shoes - but then again I would expect anything less form Little Miss Muffin!

Oh where was I - oh LLPOF, apparently he is dating several people including a well know male pop star (a big clue would be POP IDOL!) How he has several restrants in Brazil, recording contracts, had to check with the Embassy (Im not sure why he needed to consort with a packet of fags) for clearence to attend the party - I had expected at any given point for a host of international terrorists to attempt some sort of coue and hopefully liberate me from LLPOF, the fact that the woman who he was going to marry (an international model - airfix I asume) was in a hotel waiting to be implanted by his seed and spawn little LLPOF's....blah blah blah. Now dear reader I an spot a bullshitter from about half a mile (some thing to do with being one myself - lappsed member!) and my spidie senses where tingling within 5 seconds of meeting LLPOF and the fact that within 30 seconds he had asked about my girlfriend (?????? me, touch a lady - *shudder* but thats where germs come from, isn't it?) I had to inform him that I am seeing Hoff - and due to the fact that Hoff's real name sounds a little like a ladies name (he's not a lady - I can vouch for that!) I had to spell it out to him that I was infact a Chutney Ferret (while rummaging in the dictonary for the word youphamism - sorry can't spell it or find it - I now know that Ouagadougou is the capital of Burkina! Dictonarys are full of useful stuff like that just not the word youphamism!) His eyes opened a bit wider and licking his lipps he went on to tell me all sorts of other bits of crap about his fabulous life! After lissening for what seamed an age I ducked into the toilets for a wee (Im sorry but every one does it - well maybe not the queen!) and once I reamered I had Little Miss Muffin telling me that he liked me - I still feel unclean!

Now before I tell you the next part of the story I have to come clean, I was soo drunk that it seamed like a good idea to go to a local night club for more drinks and a bit of a boogie - I can only thank Little Miss Muffin and an osseous finger to the ribbs that made me see sence! Instead I ended up going with her and ordering a veggie foot long sandwich from the local subway - I ended up with a sandwich mostly made of olives and gerkins! The cab ride home was uneventful and sleep was a welcome friend!

So what have I done today? well that will be the subject of my next post!

OMG! its my last day!

2005-01-31T21:14:00.000Z

Well here I am sipping margaritas and rubbing sun tan lotion into my nipples - its the last day of work and I don't care! All I have to do now is admit that I am parraniod about moving on and ending up drinking white lightning out of a brown paper bag in the Worthing branch of CO-OP's car park.

Tommorow is the first day of the rest of my life - I will probably get run over by a bus or something (with my luck it will be a road sweeper or a mobility car that I get hit by!) George(ina) the repalcment is not here today as she is feeling unwell. Good for her I say - start the way you mean to go on!

Life goes on!

What? you mean you have no good news?

2005-01-31T04:29:00.000Z

OK - I've gone from being happy to being confused, which for most of you wont come as surprise. Hoff's ex (the one that he still lives with in the huge place in Brighton - and here's me in the attic room of my grandmothers bungalow? arghhhh!) wants him back - now they broke up just before crimbo, the ex did the braking up, not hoff; so this has put me right in the middle of a situation - Im not going to go into too much detail but I am torn (no you fithly buggers) as what to do - I like both of them and the ex is a really cool bloke. Arghhh! why me (I would shake my fist at a god - but bugger me if I dont belive in a god! which means that its all down to me!) well at least I have made some new gay friends and had the odd shag or 30, but why do I always have to attract people with issues (or mad ex's who live under the staires).

It mostly happened on Friday night when I met up with the hoff for a drink, and the full account of what happened after I left on tuseday morning came to a head - now thank fuck that Im a level-headed person and can look beyound; but why me - I mean I meet someone who - I dont feel repulsed by, is straigh or ends up appeing OK and then turning into a turd. Yesterday I spent the day with Hoff and we ended up talking lots and going to the Booth Museum (If you ever want to see an entire menagire of stuffed animals and the remains of bones and stuff then its a good day out for all - *** 3 star rating). We talked lots and went for a meal (oh oh I brought a load of new CD - some of which I have had in the past but SOME of my SO-CALLED friends - I will not name names, have borrowed and never returned or lost or burnt or in one case sold - so the day wasn't all bad!)

It is ture NICE people always finnish last - Im off to buy some nescafe coffee and a pair of Nike from Gap! Fuck you all (sorry I dont mean any of that - sorry - no really sorry!)

Oh Good God!

2005-01-28T00:01:00.000Z

I am an athiest, and I am a member of the secular society (http://www.secularism.org.uk) and while rummaging through there website I came across a section of religous and non-religous jokes - there was a section on the local parish magazines; here are the best I found -

"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking at the Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

"The cost of attending the Prayer and Fasting Conference includes all meals."

"Miss Charleson sang 'I will not pass this way again', giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."

"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water'. The sermon tonight: 'The search for Jesus'." "Remember in prayer all those who are sick of our community."

"Don't let worry kill you - let the church help."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is hell?' Come early and hear our choir practice."

"The scouts are saving aluminium cans and bottles for recycling. The proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"Please place the donation in the envelope provided along with the deceased person you want remembered."

"The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I upped My Pledge - Up Yours'."

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the office...

2005-01-26T20:21:00.000Z

Well its the last 3 working days of my time here at Hell inc. I have done little work over the past few days and I hope that this will be the case for the next 3 days. Things with Hoff are going OK, though due to previously booked things (mostly work related) I am not going to be seeing him until Saturday! Damn! no hot lovin' until then!

EAT ME!

2005-01-25T21:03:00.000Z

Well last night was difficult (well OK not that difficult) but we went for a drink at the barley mow in kemp town - we met up with some friends of Hoff - oh yes these friends where all ex's of his! The last two long term ex's of his! well I am strong I can cope with this? I stayed over - nothing happened - OK Im lying! I really really like him, I had almost forgotten what it was like to hold someone in my arms in a romantic kind of way - very very satisfying!

New to town - genuine unhurriered service

2005-01-24T21:49:00.000Z

For your ipod question here we go! - Hold down the menu bit of the wheel and the centre white button together for about 10 seconds - this should reboot the ipod (you will get the apple logo) who do I know this 'cos dear friend this happened to me and had only had it up and running for about 20 mins (I panniced as well and thought that I had killed the beloved, but if you read the instruction booklet it tells you useful things like this!)

Your local (resonably priced) slut!

stop your bitchin' here the good stuff

2005-01-24T20:50:00.000Z

So you want more? Well OK here we go! To keep the illusion of this website, from now on Mr S will be known as Hoff (in reference to the fact that he is German and after a long conversation about german musical icons he shattered my dreams, by informaing me the David Hasselhoff isn't popular in Germany - some sort of Swiss consprisy?) We met up for a drink in the Prince Albert, where he ordered flat beer and I had a bottle of Becks - God I hate small talk - Im crap at it! I think that the weather was mentioned at one point. arrghh!

So we then went to the George for another drink and something to eat. We then went to Dr Brightons - and had a few more drinks - now it is fair to say that I am not an easy person to read (I have been told this by lots of people - so a few facts for you - if I like someone I tend to drink very fast for example if I down a bottle of becks in 10 mins then this is very quick for me so I must like the person; and on saturday I was getting through a bottle in about 4 mins! ha ha ha.) I also get very selfconsious - mostly about what I say and tend to clam up - this leaves for long drawnout awquward pauses - hey this makes for a great evening out! well thats what I keep telling myself!

For those of you who know me - he he - you will know that me and drink does not mix! well six bottles of Becks is a huge amount for me - even with the food! so by the time that - well what should I call it - me making a move, makes it sound pre planned and well thought out. Curse my Englishness (shakes fist towards the sky!).

To be continued.........

Its a mad mad mad mad mad mad world

2005-01-24T19:12:00.000Z

OK OK so you want all the details about what happened on saturday, eh? well I'm not going to tell you what happened just yet - first I will tell you about what I shall be doing over the next few days as this is rather interesting - well for me it is; I'm going to be doing fuck all - horray! At long last I am in the final few days of my time with my current employer, there have been times that I wanted to run screaming from the building gunning down other enployees as I go; there have also been times that will make me sad to be leaving - but as it has been over two and a half years, it is time to move on before I go mad. I will miss this job, and the people I have worked on behalf off and those that I have worked with.

More news then - I am off on my world tour - first stop shall be

Isleworth (with support act - Kagagoogoo) - Wednesday 2nd January
Aberystwyth (with support act - Kagagoogoo) - Monday 7th January
Norwich (with support act Kagagoogoo) - Thursay 13th January
Wothing (with support act - Tony Hadley) - Sunday 16th January

I think that this could be my come-back tour, the way that all 80's icons do! I have also been booked as a wannna be on the next Celebraty Big Brother - woho! endorsments of named cleaning products here I come!

OK OK - here the news that you all wanted to here - you can now call me slutty McSlutt of Sluttsvile USA

a poorly spelt rant!

2005-01-21T21:07:00.000Z

Well the americans are now officially mad - Spongebob Square pants is a filthy gay who is out to get your kids - well thats what some nutter from some bizzare Southern (for southern please read inbreed) millitant Christain group, and the reason why this has happened? because he has taken part in a campaign to premote understanding and tollerance to children (along with other carrecters such as bob the builder, Seaseme Street, Dorra the Explorer, Arther etc) where they all sing "We are family" - a gay song of coarse! Good grief these people need to up the dosage on there medication! They also say that Spongebob holds hands with Patrick (the star fish) who is PINK and almost shaped like a triangle - Oh that makes them GAY alright! Fuck these people need to be locked away for a very long time.

So in repect of this violation of an innocent cartoon carrecter I present to you www.landoverbaptist.org a statire web site that has all those hicksville USA religous nutters frothing at the mouth! Sit back and enjoy this site with your tounge firmly in your check!

Here come's the Judge

2005-01-21T20:05:00.000Z

Well - things are getting interesting. I have meet someone I rather like, we went out for a drink last night and well I am seeing him again on saturday! But I am aware that I said that about Mr T (I pity the fool) but this was different (very different). So for the time being I am keping mum!.

Its going to take a superman to sweep me off my feet

2005-01-20T00:14:00.000Z

Well my little fluffy gerkins - more from the deranged mind of an escaped oesteopath (psycopath was a 25 week coarse and I oppted for the shorter coarse in oestopathy - it was also cheaper). Im soo sorry for saying that The Chest was from Southampton - she is in fact from Bournemouth - consider my wrists well and truly slapped.

More from me later as I am strapped to a table at present and writing this is becoming difficult!

SF

Where are you baby!

2005-01-19T04:22:00.000Z

Where are you chest, it is cold and lonly here and I haven't seen you for a while; I miss you Chest... come back and see us soon (I would come to Southampton but well, I'd rather not!)

Earth calling Ur'anus........

2005-01-19T03:59:00.000Z

This is a message from the people of Earth. Today at 3pm we launched the first Call centre oprative into space - her name is "little miss muffin". Boffins at the British Universal Mission to Mars or B.U.M.M for short launched the expendable yet highly talanted indervidual using a gas propelled swivvel chair and the top end of a washing up bottle - It ois hoped that Austronought Muffin will circle Ur'anus before making a controlled landing on Mars - we wish her well and hope that she return in to Earth in time to meet shocking fish at 10am on Saturday for a coffee (place to be arranged!).

The business we call show!

2005-01-18T18:19:00.000Z

Good morning - only 10 working days till I leave and start my new live as a female inpersonator. I have seateled on a name for my act "Madam Tussel and her celebrity opening" I have booked my waxing and plucking and I have a little russian lady making my outfuits for the launch event - 26 metres of metalic effect polyester and 40,000 sequins and enough lace and ribbon to strech around the globe twice!

I am shying away from show tunes and will be singing classic TV themes using a kazzoo and a football pump - there will be some interprative dance and maybe, just maybe balloon animals!

The giant eyebrow is watching you!

2005-01-17T20:56:00.000Z

As I write this I am wearing a black arm band - my life is at an end - Busted are well Busted, no more shall we retch at Charlie and his stupid eyebrows (for fucks sake man colour them or pluck them man!). I must admit that I would never want to wake up to anyone of them - not even charlie! How drunk would I have to be? Very very very very very very very very very very drunk (with a good few grams of Rohipnol in me as well!)

Poke the greased weasel of laughter

2005-01-16T00:43:00.000Z

Last night - Mmmmm as quazi-political evenings go wasn't too bad. I ended up drinking - 3 bottels of Becks and a shot of Tequilla - so was lightly oiled as far as booze goes. The high light of the evening was the political quiz and bingo - sadly we arrived too late to join in (shucks is all I can say!). So Middle-aged Man, Green Goddess, Gusset and me sloped off to the bar in search of refreshment (let the drinking begin!). Now for the most part I was merry but not drunk - this was in stark contradiction to Green Goddess and Gusset who had desided to blow the weeks shopping budget on cocktail ingredients (Middle-aged man will now have to live off cocktail gerkins and Tripel sec for the rest of the week), so by the time they arrived to pick me up; they where three sheets to the wind.

Middle-aged man had been shopping (apparently the car wouldn't start in the morning and so was "forced" not to go into work - funny how he came around to pick me up and take me to the party in the very same car?) and had brough himself some rather fab trousers (it made his bum look like "two peaches nesseled in cordroy") and was trying to explain about some trousers that he wanted to buy that had pannels cut out to reveal his bum checks that also invoved a chain around the waste that had a small leather paddel attached, that would allow people to "lightly" spank him!. Now far be it for me to poke at the fithly underbelly of people's sexual kicks but where on earth in Worthing can you find trousers that fit this description (I think it was from a specalist magazine that the greasy little pervert had been thumbing through - but who am I to judge - Ive just had the reminder through for my anual subscription to "midgets in letex monthly" - note to self must buy Midget!)

Gusset also a "little" drunk tried to spend a few minuets trying to force feed me Quiche - maybe out of shear despiration to escape the quazi-political party and spend the rest of the evening holding my feavered hand in A&E or maybe it was just to get rid of me and clam on the insurance policy. But I cant be too down on the bird as she had just come back from a job interview that would see us lose a "valued" member of my group of friends and see her move to the other side of London!

More from me on Monday - thats if the computer is working!

It was the one armed man that did it!

2005-01-14T19:01:00.000Z

Good morning bitch wigglers; here we go again!

Well its final - my boss has found a replacement for me - she starts on monday. Im getting a little apprehensive, have I done the right thing? what will I do for money, selling my body down at shoreham harbour is an option but I dont think I would get much money! Its nioce to know that in yesterdays Argus there where 800 job vaccencies a couple of which I will be appling for, whatch this space....

Tonight is the political fundrasiser maskerading as a birthday party for El Presidente. How will I spend the evening in a hot bed of sin and depravity? Up to my armpits in Gin and Vasiline? No not me I am not drinking at the moment due to the happy pills - so I have a feeling that it could be a good evening for getting lots of blackmail possibilities.